Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

              Being the father of three young women, a husband, and a male nurse, I have heard it all. When it comes to why young women make the choices they do with men, I still don’t totally get it. I have seen it in my family, in nursing school, and just in life in general. Women are driven by factors other than logic when it comes to finding a mate. I’m not saying its just women; men make equally bad choices. My advice will cover both sexes. I just have heard more, especially in nursing school, about the female’s point of view. I can’t tell you how many young women openly admitted about the bad choices and not understanding why they were so blind. Hind sight is great, if you learn from it. There is no denying the presence of a biological clock. However, life choices have to be made with more than short term thinking or feelings. Again Crystal is my best example. She had no intention of finding her mate in college. When we met she was very analytical about me. She studied my relationships. She talked to others about me, including ex-girlfriends. As I have already shared, she even analyzed my hand writing. I think the main thing she did right was that she never saw me as her last option. She always had plan B. She was working on becoming the best version of herself. Her plan included education, career, and once settled, family. I messed with her plan. All too often, for women, the guy is the plan. I can’t tell you how many young women I talked to in nursing school, who admitted to surviving their “bad” choices, only to now be focusing on their own goals. Often these were single mothers. Remember ladies, making the wrong choice can cost you more than it will the guy.

            So my advice is simple and covers both sexes. Work on becoming a complete person. That needs to be your goal before you enter into a relationship or look for ‘the one’. Have goals in life that have nothing to do with another person, and then work toward them. This includes but is not solely determined by what you want to accomplish with your life. Set goals to optimize your physical, mental and spiritual health. Before I met Crystal, she had a very specific goal of going to Oregon and working in her chosen field, writing. She was independent and completely capable of taking care of herself. I think that is one thing that I was looking for. You should too, in a spouse, and in yourself. I told my girls that, ideally they should live on their own for a while before marriage, and make sure their guy has done the same. Unless both of you can take care of yourselves, your relationship could become codependent and dysfunctional.

            So live, love, laugh and enjoy where you are at. Remember that, in the long run, no relationship will make you happy if you’re not happy with yourself.

Our Girls Having Fun

            Obviously, you need love to make marriage work. With few exceptions, everyone that gets married is in love. Of course there is the couple where, someone is trying to stay in the country by marrying a citizen. There are also marriages that result from a trip to Vegas and too many of those free mojitos. We will include other lapses in judgment in that second category. But for the most part love and marriage go hand in hand.

            The problem is that there are different kinds of love. I can see this topic returning in future blogs. It is very important. Often the love which brings us together isn’t the kind that will keep us together. I love Burger King, but I wouldn’t want to live there. I think a big problem today is that we are programmed to view life with the “do what makes you feel good” philosophy. Everything is based on what you get out of something. How that new car with the pretty girl lying on it will make you feel in the driver’s seat. However,  as in marriage, someday that car will need maintenance, the new car smell will be gone, and a ding or two will appear. Eventually you are programmed to just go out and get a new model. Yes, today that seems to go for marriage as well. This is why I think you have to be a certain type of person to have a successful marriage. You need to be unselfish. Sticking with the analogy, the person you have selected already has some bumps and dings. Are you ready to help them with those problems? Can you see yourself giving up your freedom to a life of helping/maintaining them? Does making them happy result in greater happiness for you? Are you willing to lose some individual battles in order to strengthen the relationship? If two people with that attitude get together there is a good chance for a successful marriage.

            As an illustration, I got cancer when I was twenty-eight years old. They said it was probably the chemicals I was exposed to in the lab where I was working as a chemist. Eventually, I had to change my line of work. This was just as we were starting our family. Crystal was there for me every step of the way over those next five years. She was my rock. When we finally got the news that the experimental Chemo treatment had worked, we were elated. Soon after that, Crystal totally fell apart. She probably cried for the better part of two days. I had no idea how worried she had been. Apparently, she had talked to her mother for hours on end, her friends, pastor, etc. She had broken down any number of times without me knowing. She had managed to shelter me from any additional stress. That’s the kind of love I am talking about.

Crystal’s Corner

            When we found out that Ron, who was one of the healthiest people I have ever met, had cancer, it was devastating.  I was finally pregnant with our first daughter.  I had had physical problems since before we were married.  My chances of conceiving kept being reduced.  God actually helped lead me to get pregnant.  We were so happy.  Then this happened.  It was hard to be strong for Ron, but I did have God and a very good emotional support group made up of family, friends and the church family.  The men in the church called me and also went to the hospital to see and encourage Ron.  At this time he was working fulltime and going to school at night to get his MBA.  The five year battle was rough on both of us, but our strength as a couple pulled us through it.  We kept going to God for the answers and He delivered abundantly.

One of the hardest things to do is being patient enough to find the right person to commit your life to. Today, it’s story time. I will apologize in advance to my daughter Elizabeth for revealing this.

Elizabeth, like many first born children, is determined (I called it stubborn when she lived with us), independent, and self actualized. As she grew up, though, she went through many problems, had a rebellious nature, and firm belief that her parents just didn’t get it. Honestly, there were times I thought she might be right. Once she lived through all of that, and some less than desirable relationships, she was ready to change. A little pride may be good. Too much and, well, God might take you down a notch or two for your own good. She was done settling and ready to listen.

Some time later, Liz was living on her own, after just finishing nursing school. One of the last things on her mind was looking for a man. One day she went to Wal-Mart for some plumbing supplies. While pushing her cart down the aisle a young man walked up to her and said, that his brother thought she seemed really nice, but was too shy to introduce himself. She went over to talk to him. A little while later Brad and Liz agreed on a first date.

Today Brad and Liz have been married for five years and are raising four wonderful children (our grand children). Liz has a successful career as a nurse in adolescent psyc. Also, if you ask her, Crystal and I have gotten a lot smarter since she was a teenager.

The point is you really can find whatever you need at Wal-Mart. I’m just kidding. The point is, finding the right person can happen any time, any place. So don’t worry about it, but don’t ever just settle. Continue to work on becoming a more complete person and pursuing your dreams. Carpe Diem.

Crystal’s Corner:
What is even more interesting about Elizabeth and her finding the right person is that I predicted it. Michelle and Elizabeth were both complaining to me about not being able to meet men to date. They did not want to go to the bars, thank God, but were not meeting anyone suitable in their daily lives. I said without really thinking “you could meet someone anywhere. You could meet someone at Wal-Mart.” They both just gave me one of those glassy eyed looks that every mom knows too well. Two weeks later, Liz called me and told me she had a date with someone she had met at Wal-Mart. I think this was prophecy. God already knew what was going to happen.

Well it’s time to move on. Writers House is obviously not interested in our memoir. Crystal and I have both been researching literary agents and are developing a list. Crystal just sent a query letter to an agent whom she read about and really likes. One day and one step at a time is the only way to proceed.

By the way, that is not unlike the approach you need to take in finding the right spouse. If I asked you, what is the most important thing you look for in a potential spouse, what would you say? In my opinion the answer should be good character. That includes a lot; honesty, integrity, solid, stable, independent, hard working, and good moral values. Determining this can be tricky, as are many people these days. One thing which makes character assessment difficult is your own feelings. You’ve heard the expression, “love is blind”. Well it usually is. Often when emotions are involved we lose our ability to be objective. But if we want our marriage to last, objective is exactly what we have to be.

When Crystal first met me she did some smart things. She took advantage of the girl network. She talked to other girls about me. This even included other girls I had dated. She got consistent reports. I was a nice guy and safe. Later she enjoyed hearing stories about me from some of my friends. Friends and family are often willing to share things you wouldn’t. She noticed that I treated other people in and outside of my life with respect. She saw that I could take care of myself and was responsible. She even took one additional step when she was getting serious about me. She took one of the reports I wrote to the library and analyzed my handwriting. Normally I would say that’s a little excessive and I’m not sure how exact that science is. However, when she told me, I must admit to being a little impressed. It told me something about her. She is thorough. Besides, she said I passed, although my penmanship left much to be desired.

Now Crystal had an advantage in that, when she met me, she wasn’t even thinking about marriage. Really, I think that is a key. Too many times, people just want to be married. Don’t be too anxious. Try to enjoy the process, and don’t just settle. Also don’t make the common mistake (especially prevalent in young women). Don’t think you will change someone once you are married. Always assume what you see is what you get. If there are red flags, don’t just dismiss them. It is much worse to be in a bad marriage, than to break up with someone you don’t thoroughly trust or who can’t give you what you need.

Crystal and I have been married for thirty four years and still love each other. It hasn’t always been easy. For us, though it has been worth it. We aren’t experts and only want to give our two cents worth to help in a resurgence of this great institution (marriage). Have a great day!

Crystal’s corner:
The main reason I tested Ron’s handwriting was because I had heard so many good things about him. I had also observed his good character when I was with him. I think I was afraid he was too good to be true. I already knew that his handwriting would come out fine. God had led me to him. I trusted God completely. But it was very reassuring that science backed up God this time. His handwriting analysis showed that he was honest and had integrity. So true.

With teenage girls, I was never sure how much of my “sage” advice got in. After all I was “just dad”. However, now that I am writing this blog, over the internet, where everything is true, I’m sure you realize that I only have your best interest at heart. The first thing I told my girls was to pray for your spouse. This was a practice that both Crystal, though I didn’t know her at the time, and I both practiced. This is a practice which works even if you are not particularly religious. I’ll explain why shortly.

I started while in the confusing world of high school. With all of the bullies, geeks (which I was probably one), different social groups, sexual and role confusion, etc., it was a very stressful time. I saw my parents in their ups and downs, highs and lows, regardless they were always on the same team. I always knew I wanted that someday. I never fixated on it. Over the next few years, I may have prayed for the health and well being of my future spouse a half a dozen times. The funny thing was, whenever I did, the things I was looking for became clearer. I think that is the key. Have an idea in your head about what you need in a spouse and make it a plan. I don’t mean pray for a movie star who only lives to please you. Trust me I have tried that, and all I got was a mental image of God laughing. I mean what is really important to you.

What are your basic values? What traits are you looking for in a spouse? Picture people you like and get along with. Whatever, whoever, comes to mind, that’s who you are looking for. Don’t ever forget that, when emotions and “love” are involved, they have a way of blurring your mind. For me dating was a great diversion and screening tool in college. While I never planned on coming out of college with a fiancé, there were a few girls who I thought were spousal material for me. Somehow though, things never worked out. For me, that was just part of God’s screening process.

When I met Crystal, it was interesting, but never love at first sight. She kept coming back into my life and my thoughts. Our first date was a semiformal dance. She was the seventh girl I asked. The more I was with her the more I realized that maybe this was the person I had been praying for. When she was sick, I just wanted to take care of her; or when I needed a paper typed and she dropped everything to do it; we just knew. Crystal and I don’t share tons of interests, but we still date and make sure that our spouse can continue to pursue their non-mutual interests. An unselfish attitude is a key for both you and your spouse. But we can save that for another day. Have a good one!

Crystal’s Corner
Since Ron is writing this blog about marriage and our relationship I thought it would be good if I throw my two cents in from time to time. I believe he is right when he talks about praying for your future spouse. Right before I met Ron while I was at Bradley University, I was praying for God to send me a best friend on campus. I was a transfer student so I was new to the school as a junior. I thought my best friend would be a girlfriend that I could confide in and spend time with on campus. But God had a different idea. He sent me Ron and he became my boyfriend and my best friend for life. This was very confusing for me for a while. I had a five year plan for after I left college. Ron talks about this in the memoir. But it is true that God moves in mysterious ways. This happens in our life all the time. (How did we end up in Ohio after living in Indiana, Michigan, and Illinois?) Wait for God. He knows who the best spouse is for you and the timing of it too.