Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

            You read correctly. My pastor recently made me aware of a bumper sticker which read “Newly Divorced”. It was just as proudly displayed as all of those “Just Married” stickers with which we are more familiar. What people are proud of amazes me. What is next, stickers saying “Newly Fired”, “Suck as Parent”, or “Horrible Neighbor”. Is the person reading that sticker just supposed to assume the divorce was completely the spouse’s fault? I guess the next step for a sticker reader would be I have to talk to that newly divorced person, and find out if they are right for me. Honestly it’s just sad. Whenever a marriage ends there is pain, lost hope, and disillusionment. Today, in this country divorce is occurring at an epidemic rate. That’s one reason I write this blog. We need to fight that trend.

            We have covered a lot of topics in making marriage work and in selecting the right mate. One I don’t think we have adequately covered is that you can only fix one person in a marriage. That is you. Too many people go into marriage thinking, given time I can fix all of those annoying problems my spouse has. In reality, that kind of thinking is just going to set you up for failure.

             When Crystal and I first got married her sister (not married at that time) told her about the things I did that Crystal should work on changing; whether it was spending too much time playing sports or planning things without consulting her. If Crystal mentioned anything to me it was as a suggestion and related to a specific instance. She never accused me of being selfish or inconsiderate. Through the years I did take her suggestions into consideration. I did it because I cared about her and wanted her to be happy. It wasn’t because she made everything into an issue and was determined to change me. Over that same period of time, I guarantee, she changed things she was doing to accommodate my needs, or wants.

            So if you are thinking of marrying someone; make sure you can accept them for who they are. Realize that the only person you can change is the person in the mirror (and I don’t mean with your spouse standing behind you). Making the right choice is critical. Being willing to change yourself is critical. While initially the “Just divorced” bumper sticker may seem clever and even amusing, it covers a lot more than part of a bumper. Using humor to cover pain is nothing new.

            Yesterday I took my dad to see a doctor. Lately I’ve been doing that a lot. He likes me to come for support, and since I am a nurse, I have some useful knowledge about the things he is going through. I like to go to make sure he is getting the best possible care. Crystal was with me yesterday. The three of us had a nice lunch together; and then Crystal stayed at the nearby library when I took dad to the Dr. A library for Crystal is like a second home. After his appointment we picked up Crystal and went back to his place for a short time before our sixty mile trip back to our home.

            During my time with dad, he shared something which made me think. He is ninety-two years old. Until we lost mom a little over a year ago, he never considered himself old. With mom he had a purpose, a constant companion, and a focus outside of himself. Now, more than ever he is painfully aware of every ache and pain and of his diminishing abilities. Crystal, I and our whole family do whatever we can to fill that void. Dad is always appreciative. It can’t be enough. It’s like part of him is missing. No matter how frail mom got near the end, together there was a strength that goes beyond reason. Now that is gone.

            There is still a reason for dad to be here. I am convinced that as long as we live, God has a purpose for us, whether it is just to give an example to your children and grandchildren, or to impart wisdom and knowledge to others, or as an opportunity for others to serve. I believe, on some level, he understands that. The problem is, and I consider this love’s curse, love doesn’t die when we do. It is kept alive by those left behind.

Crystal’s Corner

            I am really glad that it is spring.  Now you see the pink and white tulip trees blooming.  Our two trees in our front yard have white flowers.  We see these beautiful pastel purple trees that look like weeping willows only with light lavender flowers.  My few daffodils are up and we have these bluish purple flowers that come back every year and spread.  I love flowers which is why I appliqué them on quilts and embroider them on clothing and tablecloths.  Spring makes me feel happier and hopeful.

             I know Ron has been writing about his father and the loss of his mother.  I understand why his father misses Mimi (as we all do), but I also know that they had many good years together.  They took many walks near their house in Oak Lawn and saw ducks, cranes, and other birds and many flowers and trees in all seasons.  We went to Florida with his Dad this past February and it was amazing.  I finally understood many of the things that Mimi told me about how gorgeous Florida is in the winter.  It was like leaving cold snowy winter and walking into early summer.  I very much enjoyed our trip.  I am sure that Mimi was watching us and enjoying it with us. 

            I made Mimi clothing and presents decorated with flowers and birds.  She appreciated them very much.  She would observe our decorations in our house whether it be new photos that Ron had taken or new quilts or embroidery that I had made.  She also sewed, did needlepoint and embroidery and her house was full of many pictures which we are spreading around the family now.

              I miss Mimi.  I miss her laughter and her smile and her funny jokes.  I miss the way she was with my girls and my grandchildren.  She cherished them and they cherished her.  I know Ron says in his blog that love never dies and this causes pain for those who are left behind.  But I think that the love we have shared with people becomes a part of us.  I think when you have been truly loved, you can love more and deeper because of that experience.  Sometimes I smell Mimi’s perfume in our house or I hear a joke that I know she would have liked and the love that we shared comes back to me.  It is a blessing and I will keep sharing it.

If you’re married with children, fear not. You don’t have to be perfect. The secret to great parenting is to do your best and pray a lot. If you have been following this blog you know that we have three healthy adult daughters. Somehow, they and Crystal and I have all survived. Don’t tell the girls, but we weren’t always perfect parents. In fact, we actually lost a kid three times. Our oldest, Elizabeth, was always too dramatic to be misplaced. However, when Elizabeth was about six and Michelle about four, we were at a large art fair in Madison, Indiana. Our friend, Dominic, was visiting with us. Crystal was lagging behind with Michelle and Elizabeth. Dominic and I were further ahead. When Elizabeth and Michelle left her to join us Michelle separated and took off on her own.  When Crystal finally caught up with us and didn’t see Michelle, she was just short of hysterical. After I calmed her I started speed walking. I went up one aisle and down the next, darting back and forth to miss hitting all of the relatively slow moving art fans. We were just about ready to contact the police when I had an idea. Michelle was very impressed with all of the carnival food trucks when we passed them. Sure enough, when we got to the food truck area there she was with a Good Samaritan woman who assured us that Michelle was only one of many lost kids at that fair every year.

A few years later Michelle, Lisa and I had just come home from shopping. Michelle and I were having one of our very important discussions (we had a lot of those). We got out of the car and continued our discussion into the house. Once inside I started dinner and she turned on the TV. A few minutes later Crystal came in with our crying baby Lisa, who we had left sleeping in her car seat. It wasn’t my fault. Michelle distracted m

Finally when Lisa was five, Crystal and I decided to stop and talk to a lady from our church. I parked in back of the lady’s house. Again, Lisa was asleep in the back seat. Somehow I stupidly convinced Crystal that Lisa wouldn’t wake up during our short visit. Needless to say when we got back to the car it was empty. We found her about two blocks away and on her way home. It was a small town and she knew the way.

I share these stories as encouragement. Parenting is tough and can put a strain on your marriage. You may never lose a child, but you won’t be perfect. Today these stories have been relegated to humorous anecdotes. When you are going through them, they are tests of how well you work together under stress.

Crystal’s corner

Our three girls are very unique individuals.  What that means as a parent is that what works for one child will not work for the others.  Michelle has always been very outgoing and people oriented.  She always talked to people and asked a lot of questions. When she turned four years old she started to be a wonderer and would take off away from us.  I trained Elizabeth to stay with her and tell me if she was straying.  I always warned Ron when he was taking her somewhere.  Fathers are different than mothers.  When we lost Michelle at this huge art fair on the Ohio River I panicked at first and then prayed.  Immediately I knew that Michelle was all right and that she was with someone who would bring her to us.  The woman who she talked to at the food stand actually went to our church.  We were new in the neighborhood and at the church, but this woman recognized Michelle and kept her until we found her.  It was pretty scary and we ran into other people with lost four year olds.  Parents need the community to take care of their children.  We have lived in different communities in different states and people have helped us with our children in all of them.  We are grateful to God for this.  He is always watching us and our children.

Yesterday was Crystal and my thirty-fifth anniversary. If you’re thinking congratulations, thank you. I remember when my parents were married twenty-five years, I thought, wow they are old. It’s interesting how your perspective changes as you age. It’s not that I have any dreams of immortality or don’t feel my age. I just care less about how old I am and more about how I feel, what I am doing with my life, and how I can best serve those I care about. On the top of my care about list is Crystal. Easter was the day before our anniversary. We had all three daughters, along with a husband, a boyfriend, my father, and four grandchildren for dinner. It was great, but yesterday Crystal was exhausted. We did nothing. Today Crystal and Lisa (our youngest daughter) are going to see a movie.

One might be tempted to say we don’t care about our anniversary. You would be partly right. It’s only a day. Crystal and I will go out for dinner and have exchanged presents, but that doesn’t make the day special. We do those things all of the time. There is hardly a day when Crystal doesn’t have fresh flowers on the dining room table or chocolates in the house. When I shop I just can’t help think of her when I see flowers or the candies she likes. When I get up I make coffee and frequently a breakfast for her. We go out on a regular basis and even get away several times a year. What is worth celebrating is that after all this time, we still enjoy being with each other. I know, for some, a special day of recognition is important. I’m just glad we have had so many special days.

            Crystal has always supported me unconditionally. When I got a new job, she insisted that we celebrate. If anyone ever made the mistake of saying something negative about me, she would jump to my defense. When I was down, she would remind me about all of the positives. If I would make a good play in softball, she would turn into a one woman cheer leading section.  I know she is like that partly because her mother was like that, and partly because she is just a positive person.

            I on the other hand am more pragmatic. I give constructive criticism when needed, and generally don’t react with overt emotion.  Monday, Crystal put on a program about Harriet Beecher Stowe at the local library. She has been preparing for it since 2003. Not only did she have more than enough information for the hour presentation, but used her hand sewn art quilt depicting various events in Stowe’s life. She was wearing the period dress that she made with hoop skirt (she could barely enter the room) and bonnet. She received a rave review from the roughly fifty people and library staff in attendance. As I watched from my chair, hidden in the corner of the room, I noticed several times that I was smiling. I don’t think Crystal noticed. I couldn’t help myself. I was just so proud of her.  I think I was still smiling when she asked for my help in holding up some of her displays.

            She wants to continue to do this program for other groups. She knows she doesn’t have to ask for my help. I will be there.  I will help her promote the program and add a page to this blog. I think one of the most fun opportunities that marriage provides is the opportunity to support your spouse. I am not particularly interested in the Civil War, quilting, or dress making, but I love to see Crystal succeed in doing whatever she wants to do. If I can help her, that’s just the icing on the cake.

Keep watching this web site to see how her Harriet Beecher Stowe page develops.

Crystal’s Corner

            I wanted to add that Ron has been encouraging me to get ready to present this program about the life and works of Harriet Beecher Stowe for a long time.  I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other health problems which has made it difficult for me to do a lot of things.  His support and positive energy about this program has helped me to get it ready and to do it.  He and my daughter, Lisa, helped me carry everything into the library and set it up. He also took flyers around the community to alert more people to the program and helped me set up a window display in town as part of my writers group.  I did see him smiling while I was doing my program and he took photos also (some of them are here).  They helped me take everything home as well.  I know I will be doing this program for a long time and I can count on his support.

            Crystal and I left on time last Saturday. We arrived at our church at noon as planned. We were supposed to give a brief witness, about how we felt God had blessed our marriage, to the attendees at a marriage seminar. The parking lot was empty. As we walked around the church, Crystal had me assure her that I had the right day and place. I was certain. I knocked on the door of the parsonage and the pastor, casually dressed in sweats, answered the door. He immediately and emphatically apologized. He had forgotten to call us. The previous day all four couples had cancelled. We talked for a while, Crystal in particular. One thing I know about my wife, when she is ready to talk, she will. When done, we continued on to the date I had promised Crystal earlier.

            However, I wasn’t two steps away from the pastor’s door when a thought hit me. When we were younger Crystal and I had been to many of these seminars with great results. We have always believed in working at our marriage. I believe we have actually been remarried twice as well. The thought which bothered me was what if the reprioritization of four couples represents a growing attitude in this country. I totally understand the need to change plans, for priorities. We have to do it all the time. But what priorities are greater than a strong marriage. Even when I am selfishly motivated, I understand the dynamics of the old adage “happy wife, happy life”.

            I actually believe what seemingly all of today’s politicians espouse with great regularity, and very little action:  The future of America rests in strong family units and values. That means strong marriages.

            Please join us today as we pray for a renaissance of stronger marriages and more biblical family values in this country.

Crystal’s Corner

            I know that it is difficult sometimes to fit into your schedule something like a marriage seminar.  Most couples are both working and dealing with housework, and children, errands, etc.  But we have found that taking the time to go to seminars is very worthwhile.  You not only learn from what is presented but you also learn from the other couples.  Marriage is like a plant.  If you don’t pay attention to it or nurture it, it will wilt and die.  I think that too many people wait until their marriage is crumbling before they realize their marriage needs attention.

            I remember we went at the last minute to a Saturday seminar in another town several years ago.  I was really flustered and made arrangements for my children at the last minute and then worried if it was all going to work out.  The first speaker was a couple who had been married for a long time; and when their youngest child left for college, they fell apart.  This made such an impression on me because I had a house full of kids who, at least part of the time, were driving me crazy.  I thought they were going to tell us how great it was to now be together alone.  But instead they talked about the empty nest.  It wasn’t that their marriage was terrible. It was just rattled by this change.  It also made me realize that the time we spent together as a couple, away from the house and responsibilities, and the children, while they were growing up was very valuable and worthwhile. 

            The seminar included a rather simple bag lunch. I remember sitting on the floor in a hallway eating that lunch, somewhat by ourselves, and just looking at my husband and smiling.  I was glad that we had done this.  Just eating a sandwich and some fruit, without anyone bothering us, was unusual. It reminded me of when there were just the two of us, and how special I felt to have found this wonderful man to spend my life with.

              Of course I mean date your spouse. Before you are married you date to get to know someone, have some fun, and take a break from the stresses of every day life. Once you are married, you need the same things. Of course, with any luck you already know your spouse. But that can change. Something which isn’t discussed or widely known is that, we continue to change throughout our lives. Our goals, likes and dislikes, our lifestyles, strengths and abilities continue to change as we age. Crystal recently started watching these seemingly endless court cases on TV. I am much more into golf than I used to be. We are adjusting to having grown up kids.

            Change is inevitable. The trick is to continue to communicate. Take time to be together in a lower stress environment; time dedicated to your relationship (staying on the same page). Also, when possible, plan time just dedicated to fun activities. I am convinced part of the divorce problem, in today’s fast passed world, is that couples lose touch over time.

            A date doesn’t have to be some grand romantic gesture, just time together to talk or pursue some common interest. When I was working a lot of hours, Crystal and I would just go out to the “Coffee Cup” (local no frills restaurant) for breakfast a couple times a week. When we didn’t have much money, we would make a date out of a picnic at the park and maybe a trip to the library.  These days it’s usually a more standard dinner and a movie. We also plan an overnight, two to three time a years, just to get away.

            My dad recently took us to Florida for a vacation. He was anxious to show us some of the places he and mom used to visit on their almost annual trips. We met some relatives who were new to both Crystal and me. We did a lot of sight seeing and ate more fish than I have probably eaten in the last year. Crystal and I also took some time to be alone. One day we went for a nice bike ride by the Ocean. On another day we walked through the Botanical Gardens and then to a Greek restaurant for lunch. Dad was fine with us going. After being married to my mom for sixty-four years, he would be the first to tell you to take and enjoy your time together.

            So learn from our example. Grow together and not apart. Stay on the same page. Take time to date your spouse and remember all of the neat things about them. Encourage their growth and let them encourage yours. And don’t forget to have some fun!

And stand together, yet not too
near together.  For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.

from Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet