Ron, Author at Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

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The Way We Were

Posted on October 5, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

The title of this week’s blog really is more to me than the title of one of Crystal’s favorite movies. It is really the reason we wrote our book. It is all about remembering the amazing lives we have lived and those of our parents. There is a saying that those who don’t learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it. That is a cautionary warning for political leaders and governments. However, the real juice of life is in the details. A person’s life is no more or less than a microcosm of individual events, decisions made, and interactions. They make us who we are and dictate who we become.

This week I have been thinking of one day which says a lot about who I became. I was eleven years old when I joined the Boy Scouts. One of the reasons I was excited about the organization was that the scouts went camping. That summer for the first time I would go with them. For one solid week, and the first time in my life, I would be away from my parents, and my friends (except other scouts of course). It was the adventure I had thought about for years. However, I wasn’t the only one thinking about it. My parents thought about it. Dad was fine with it and thought it would be a good experience. Mom though, was a different story. I was an only child. To her, I was her reason for existing. They thought I didn’t hear the discussions about mom’s fears and dad’s logical arguments. There are no wolves and bears around that part of Michigan. He won’t be alone. He is old enough. If he is eaten by a bear we will adopt…. Sorry, I made that last one up.

After all of the convincing was done, mom put on a brave front. Ironically, somehow it became her job to get me a physical for camp. It was easy though. I came home with a note from my scout master. All we had to do was show up at Dr. Gasteyer’s office at nine in the morning and he would give me the exam for free. That was when I first learned that my school was named after a doctor. Gasteyer School was named after the examining Dr’s father. That was back in the days when Drs actually made house calls. I had gone to the school for five years and never asked about the name’s origin. I guess I just wasn’t very curious.

That morning we set out at right around nine. The good Dr’s office/house was about three quarters of a mile away so we rode our bikes. Mom was always up for a good bike ride. When we got there, however, we were shocked. First of all when we arrived at the address there was only a white wooden house in the middle of a residential neighborhood. However we knew immediately that it was the right place because there were people everywhere. The entire front yard was full of mothers and sons waiting for their free exams. I know mom must have considered going back home; but she wouldn’t want to be the reason I didn’t get to go to camp. She knew how important this was to me. So we put our bikes next to the house and waited. We talked about anything we could think of. I tried to explain all about the White Sox (a conversation I usually had with dad). I told her more details about camp, at least what I could remember before I had started daydreaming. At one point she pulled out some paper and a pen from her purse and we played tick tack toe and some other games. Slowly the line got shorter. Around lunch time mom left on her bike to get some fast food. We ate on the steps leading up to the house. Finally in the early afternoon we got to the actual waiting room. At least there were some outdated magazines, including Boys Life (my favorite). It was four thirty in the afternoon when we finally got in to see the Dr. After a lot of questions and an exam lasting all of five minutes the Dr told us what we already knew. I was a healthy boy. He also mentioned in passing, that we could have just made an appointment for another day and gotten in and out. They couldn’t have made that announcement five or six hours earlier? We finally got home around five. When dad got home a short time later we told him the whole story. He laughed. Then mom yelled at him. I think she really wanted to yell at the Dr. Dad then graciously offered to take us out to dinner. It was one long day, and one I will never forget.

The one lesson I learned that day, and it wasn’t like I didn’t know before, was that mom would do anything for me. Doing what is best for your children, even when it may not be best for us, is a lesson Crystal and I have tried to carry on with our girls.

Crystal Michelle and Lisa on a camping trip (I still remember some of my scouting skills)

Category: About Marriage and Family

Sad Anniversaries

Posted on September 26, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

I was walking with dad at Blendon Woods Metro Park the other day. He mentioned that it was September 21^st. That was the same day one year ago that the movers packed up all of his stuff from his house in Oak Lawn, Illinois to move to his new apartment here in Ohio. It was the first move he had made in over fifty years. It was the first move he had made in over sixty-five years without his wife, Mimi. I know it had to be one of the hardest things he has ever done. It was the only thing that made sense. He had to be closer to family.

Once we arrived at his apartment and all of the grand kids and great grand kids showed up to help, I know it made sense to him. To some extent it was like he was discovering a family he didn’t know he had. We all worked together in synchronicity and harmony to put together his apartment in a way that he would find pleasing. I had done all of the measurements and had an idea what would fit and where it should all go. When done, in a surprisingly short time, dad took us out to a group dinner. The only thing missing, and I knew we all thought it, was Mimi. She would have loved a move closer to us.

Unfortunately, that’s just not the way life works. You can’t live in a world of could have, should have, would have. You can only live in the here and now. Here and now dad and I were walking in Blendon Woods, talking about a sad anniversary. I asked if he thought about Mimi on September 12^th. It was her birthday and already our second birthday without her. All he said is that not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about her. Somehow that made me feel good.

I don’t think it hurts to look back to those precious times with loved ones who have gone on. Is it part of grieving? Certainly. But more importantly, it is part of keeping love alive. I believe that regardless of the pain, the love is worth living for, and needs to live on past what our bodies can endure. Mom, if you are reading this, know that you are sorely missed. Oh and Belated Happy Birthday.

Crystal’s Corner of the World: TV shows and mom

Lately, I have been finding TV shows on TV that I use to watch when I was growing up. Shows like That Girl, The Love Boat and Love American Style. I am glad these shows are available now. I like seeing them, but sometimes it makes me sad. My mom loved comedies on TV. We watched these shows together and laughed and commented about them. I miss her laugh. I miss our conversations. I have had many dreams about her. In my dreams she is well, wearing the quilted clothing she made for herself and happy. We are talking and laughing together. She wasn’t well for a long time before she died. I am glad in my dreams she is well. I do believe I will see her again in heaven. Sometimes it is hard for me to wait although I have a lot to do here, and my children and my husband, who I don’t think I can live without.

I am grateful for good memories of my mom and me during my childhood and growing up years. Cherish the time you have with your parents, children and friends while you are together. The time goes by so fast.

Crystal and my mom looking into an aquarium around 2010

Category: Past, Present and Future

Crystal’s Corner: Front Porch Culture

Posted on September 14, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

I grew up sitting, jumping and playing on front porches. As a little girl, I played with my sister and my brother on our front porch in a neighborhood in Chicago. We also played on our friends’ front porches. My close friend, Debbie, lived down the street. Her front porch had three levels. It was great for pretending, bringing our dolls and toys or just lounging around. No one we knew had air conditioning and neither did the stores or churches or even the libraries. To keep cool we ran through the sprinkler, drank lots of lemonade, Kool-Aid and iced tea and water from all the hoses in the neighborhood. No one minded if the kids drank from the hose when they were overheated from playing. The whole neighborhood, at that time, took care of the children and disciplined them on occasion. We also threw water balloons at each other and sprayed each other with squirt guns.

In the evenings the whole neighborhood sat on their front porches. Visiting with the neighbors helped my mom find out what was going on: who was getting new furniture or appliances, and who was getting promoted or married or having a baby. Everyone read the newspapers and women read magazines so recipes and ideas were exchanged in their front porch conversations.

After we moved to the suburbs, we sat on our front porch and talked to the neighbors. During the 4^th of July week our nearby park had a carnival every year. From our porch we watched the families walk to the carnival. The people we knew would stop by and chat for a while. My dad always said “people watching was better than TV.”

On the 4^th, the park would have fireworks which we could see from our front yard until the trees grew too tall. My parents usually invited friends to come for dinner and stay to see the fireworks. I remember those days like they just happened.

I can taste the sweet cold watermelon, the corn on the cob slathered in butter, biscuits or cornbread and either my mom’s chili or hamburgers and hotdogs from my dad’s grill in the back yard. Mom would make many Jello salads and desserts in the summer. We like most of them especially with whipped cream.

Today, maybe because we live in a small town, maybe because Ron and I had similar experiences growing up, to some extent, we keep the tradition alive. Even though air conditioning tends to keep people inside, we sit on our front porch and many of our neighbors do too. Ron grills salmon, chicken, pork and hamburgers and hotdogs on our porch even in the winter. You might see me roasting marshmallows for s’mores or just swinging on the porch swing listening to the robins, cardinals and blue jays and watching a brown rabbit in our front yard. Some things don’t change and for us sitting on front porches is one of them.

Ron’s Parents and our Grand Daughter on Front Porch 2007

Category: Past, Present and Future

Until Death and Beyond

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

Memories are funny things. They travel with us wherever we go and can come out, apparently, whenever they want. Last week we went swimming with my dad. My daughter, Michelle had found a beautiful and rather large inland lake, at a State Park, just a half hour from my dad’s apartment. He was reluctant at first, but then decided to give it a try. He had a great time. He insisted that the water was perfect and it had done his bad knee a world of good. He recalled the short swim he took with us in a pool in Florida but then quickly added that the last time he had swam in a lake was with my mom.

It’s hard to believe mom has been gone for a year and a half. When we went to Florida with dad last winter he insisted on taking us everywhere that mom used to like being. He would always quickly relate stories of their adventures and look for our approval. He was deeply disappointed when we couldn’t find a place or a restaurant was no longer in business. I know dad is still grieving her loss. To some extent we all are.

Dad’s apartment is full of pictures. We and all of the grandkids and great grandkids are well represented. But most of the pictures are of his wife. She lives on in pictures and memories.

Crystal’s dad has been without Mary Jane for some seven years now. If she were to miraculously return, she would find quilts on the walls, dolls on shelves and other decorations just where she left them. They decorated the house together, collected little knickknacks and even stenciled the cupboards with flowers. He has no interest in changing very much what is in the house, but insists that we can do whatever we want once he has joined her. We haven’t caught him talking to her lately, but I know he still feels like she is somehow close. We feel that way too when we are there. She always likes the big family parties and holiday gatherings. Crystal thinks she is watching when we use the special red glass dishes at Christmas and put the embroidered table cloth on the table.

I don’t believe, no matter how many TV shows are dedicated to the subject, that spirits roam the earth. Somehow, though, our memories act like ghosts. For years after our loved ones are gone, we wonder what they would have done in our situation, or would they have approved of what we were doing. It is as if we carry part of them with us wherever we go. When it comes to a long time spouse I can definitely see a parallel to a friendly haunting. Until death is by no means the whole story.

Crystal’s Corner: Cardinals and Mom

My mom always loved birds which is why my dad put a large bird feeder in the backyard which could be seen from the kitchen table. Every day, my mom would watch the birds and get mad at the squirrels. She especially loved bright red cardinals which would come to the bird feeder. After she died, we saw cardinals at different times and in odd places. It seemed like when we would have family celebrations; there would be several cardinals around enjoying it with us. We think this is mom showing us that she is around.

My daughter, Michelle, always seems to see cardinals when she needs my mom to be around. She’ll tell me about it. I have been giving her cardinal statues and Christmas ornaments to have in her house.

All the girls miss my mom. She was always laughing and telling them stories and encouraging them. My mom was a very good listener and helped them when she could. Now when we see my dad, we share with him memories about mom. It was hard at first, but grief changes over time. We know she is safe and happy and well. Also, because of our faith in Jesus, we know we will see her again.

A long time ago I wrote a poem (before mom died) about mom teaching the angels to quilt when she is in heaven. I can even picture this. She taught many people to quilt and some of them became quilting teachers and even entered quilt contests. I always feel like she is around me when I go to a quilt show or textile art show. We use to go together and mom would comment on the techniques used and the colors and design. She was so knowledgeable about quilting history and techniques and always doing new and challenging projects. I am working on a number of projects. I hope to get some of them into quilt shows and /or contests. She would be proud of my lecture about Harriet Beecher Stowe. I was working on it before she died. She always encouraged me to continue with my projects and to teach. It was something special that we shared, this love of teaching and sharing our knowledge and experience. My daughter, Michelle, is going back to school to get her teaching credentials. I think that the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree. She wants to teach the early grades and I know she will do well as a teacher and be loved by her students.

I wonder when Michelle is teaching in the future whether she will occasionally see a cardinal outside the window encouraging her. It wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Crystal my mom and dad in 2008 Crystal with her dad and our grandchild 2008

Category: Past, Present and Future

Stuck in the middle with you!

Posted on August 24, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

The title is a great song lyric, right? Well it is also a feeling I get from time to time. Marriage is a continuum. Early on it is all about learning to communicate constructively with your spouse. Hopefully you will have a little time before the next major challenge of raising children. Twenty or thirty years later you get to where Crystal and I are now. Parents are older and more dependent on us. And the kids, while out of the house (for the most part), still look to you for advice and encouragement. Some days it seems OK, other days it is tough. Lately, Crystal and I seem to take turns worrying and encouraging each other. I think ultimately the trick is being able to care for your family without trying to live their lives. In other words have empathy, and stay supportive, but don’t get on their roller coaster.

This last week was a good one. Early in the week we visited Crystal’s dad. Physically he has declined over the last year, but emotionally he is an inspiration. He does what he can and doesn’t worry about the rest. He trusts me and we got him out of the house a few times. He even walked a couple of houses down the street with me and his walker. I know that part of his peace comes from his faith. He wants to live life while he can but is looking forward to someday seeing his Mary Jane again.

This last weekend we had my dad visit. Dad has his physical challenges as well. While physically he is in much better shape than Crystal’s dad he is more aware of his losses than ever before. I know that he is still grieving the loss of mom. On Sunday, we had a big dinner with all of the kids and grand kids. I did most of the cooking. I was exhausted. It’s only now that I really appreciate all of those times my mom did all of the cooking. Even as she got older she would help me in the kitchen.

At any rate, I am pretty sure that everyone, including dad, had a great time. There were no deep discussions about life or problems. There were games and laughing and a lot of people rubbing their bellies (from being full, not indigestion). For at least a few moments, everything was perfect. I think those are the moments that help us carry on. I just wish mom could have been there. In some ways it was almost like she was.

Mom and Dad with the whole group in 2010

Category: About Marriage and Family

One Man’s Trash is Another’s Treasure

Posted on August 14, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

Something interesting happened this week. Our youngest daughter was true to her word. She cleaned out the back room. I mean she really cleaned. This is a big deal for several reasons. First, Crystal, being a creative person, has a hard time getting rid of things. She always thinks about repurposing everything. She is, however, working on the problem. She gave Lisa and me full control over the decisions about the room. This was a big step for her.

The second problem is our cat, which sleeps in the room at night. While there were four litters in the room, for some reason none were suitable for his highness. He has always preferred random relief of bowel and bladder around the room. If it were up to me he would have been given his freedom years ago. I would have supported his rights for freedom anywhere else in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, my authority is limited, and as in any marriage, there are some things it’s just better to let go. In this case, I just let the thing go all around the room.

I helped drag all of the first edition books, cleaning supplies, ruined cloths, etc. out to the garbage. To my surprise, as I was dragging a box, a lady walked up to me. She introduced herself to me as a neighbor and asked what I was doing. I explained the situation, including the cat part. The next words out of her mouth were a shock. “Is it OK if I bring my truck here and go through the trash?” I said sure, but did you hear the part about the cat. She explained that I had very good trash. She would be careful about what she took and clean it thoroughly. I had never thought about trash being good or bad, just trash. I told her she was welcome to whatever she wanted. Furthermore, she gave me her name and number for any future treasure dumps. She then hugged me and went to get her husband and truck. To my surprise she was earnestly happy about the find. We had reclaimed our back room and made someone happy at the same time. Life, and people for that matter, never ceases to amaze me.

Enjoy the Summer!

Category: Wisdom and Encouragement

Fix Your Own Swing First

Posted on August 5, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

I usually play golf by myself. I will never be very good. I play for the exercise and to be outdoors. I used to just walk, but with golf, the walk becomes a game. The other day I played with a friend. Immediately I noticed the flaws in his swing. His address was wrong and he lifted his head immediately after his swing. This combination meant that he would be prone to inconsistency. For the most part I kept my comments to myself. After all, I am no great golfer. My swing is anything but a work of art. It is also far from a natural swing. I probably review about a dozen basic principles before each swing. Frequently I forget one or another during the swing. Besides, who wants to be told repeatedly, that they are doing something wrong? I know I would hate it.

When all was said and done, I believe we both had a good time. We vowed to try again sometime. After the round I thought about the principle of restraint. In general most people just say whatever is on their mind with little regard for others. In marriage this can lead to devastating results. Sure you can see flaws in your mate. No one is perfect. Even if they were that doesn’t mean you couldn’t find something to criticize. We are all brought up differently and value things to a different degree. For example, say your spouse is the most loving, caring person in the world. However, according to you, they spend too much time helping others and people are taking advantage of her. I am sure at some point these traits attracted you, but now they must be altered.

I point this out as a warning. Crystal will tell you that I am partly talking to myself. Do not get caught up in a cycle of criticism. Explain your feelings and concern for your spouse and then focus on something else. Your own problems might be a good place to start. Like I said nobody is perfect. Is there an area where a change in your attitude or actions might be helpful? Are there areas your spouse has pointed out where you can improve? The Bible says to remove the log from your own eye before trying to remove the twig from someone else’s. That is good advice, especially in marriage. In golf as in life, it’s always easier to see and fix the problems with someone else’s swing than with your own.

I hate when that happens

Category: Make Marriage Last, Wisdom and Encouragement

Crystal’s Corner: Teenagers are Confusing

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

This is Crystal’s perspective about what I discussed last week. The subject of raising teenagers definitely deserves more discussion, and possibly a book or two.

We lived in Indiana for ten years. We had to move because of Ron’s job opportunities. It is hard to move girls especially teenagers. Our oldest girl was really determined not to move. So when we went on this trip in Ohio where Ron was interviewing for jobs, we stayed at a really nice cabin on a lake. The other girls were thrilled, but our oldest girl was grumpy. Not only did she not want to be there, she didn’t want to do activities with us. On the day we rented an expensive motor boat, she was in her room groaning. I had to coax her out to get to come with us on the boat. After we all jumped in the water from the boat and swam, she was very happy and enjoying herself.

Teenagers can seem like they want to withdraw from the family. You get exasperated as a parent with them and their negative attitudes. But really they still want to be part of the family. My oldest girl would say she wasn’t going out to dinner with us if we were going to restaurants (that we have coupons for) that she didn’t like. We would be on our way out the door and I would call upstairs: “See you later. We’re going now.” She would come running down the stairs and say, “I’m coming too.”

Overall I really believe that teenagers want to be included and know they have a place in your family that no one else can fill. It certainly is confusing when you are parenting them, but also educational. I have always learned from my girls whether it is about the music they listen to and new dance moves, their favorite TV shows, or opinions on what is going on in the world.

Category: About Marriage and Family

Once Upon a Time

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

The initial reason Crystal and I began this blog was as part of a platform for our yet to be published book. One Hundred and Fifty Years of Marriage is both a memoir and a historical non-fiction book. While historical accounts of our parents lives are intertwined with world altering events such as the Great Depression and WW2, Crystal and my childhoods occurred during a much more pedestrian time. Discounting much of the civil unrest of the sixties and an unprecedented youth rebellion against Viet Nam and the “man”, the sixties and seventies represented a Renaissance of American values. Much of the first half of our book describes our lives during those last days of American innocence. Amidst all of the tumult, life in America went on pretty much as our parents had envisioned and fought for some years earlier.

In 1964, I was ten years old. As most young boys, the summer meant one thing to me, baseball. I played almost every day. It was always easy to find others around the neighborhood or at the park who shared my obsession. When I wasn’t playing ball there was bike riding, watching some boob tube, or just chilling in someone’s basement (literally, it’s cooler down there).

Then dad came home and it was time for dinner. After dinner, dad usually read magazines or did some left over project for his job. Every now and then, however, the two of us, occasionally joined by mom, would move out to the front porch. In those days this was not an uncommon practice. Before the advent of air conditioning most people did this out of necessity.

In our neighborhood, however, by this time most families at least had window units. This was a social tradition and not to be disrupted for the sake of cool air. Neighbors would wave and occasionally join us, or we would join them. Discussions were kept light, no politics or religion. Subjects ranged from neighborhood occurrences, to weather, to movies and events. I loved our front porch discussions. I generally sat quietly while the adults talked.

Occasionally, I would join the conversation, especially when someone talked about the White Sox. I knew every player and most of their vital stats. Some of my favorites were Gary Peters, Don Buford, Ken Berry, and Floyd Robinson. Since we were south siders, the Cubs were seldom discussed. That is except for 1969 when they had a really good team. They had an infield of Santo Kessinger, Beckert, and Banks, which ranks among the best of all times. All of Chicago was united in support. They were sure to go to the playoffs. That is until the Cubs luck took over; and they were nudged out during the last week of the season by the Miracle Mets and their upstart pitching staff. Who ever heard of Jerry Koosman, Nolan Ryan, or Tom Seaver (Tom Terrific)? At least Koosman and Seaver had the common sense to eventually wind up with the White Sox. I couldn’t hate them anymore.

One day while on the Brown’s front porch, Mr. Brown offered me my first taste of beer. Both of my parents were there of course and queried prior to the big event. It was awful. I couldn’t believe all of the fuss made about the stuff. Why would anyone willingly drink this bitter, foul “beverage”? Mr. Brown laughed like he had just put one over on me. My mom seemed concerned. It was her lifelong job to protect me from evil. Dad didn’t seem too concerned. These are the same parents who were buying me pints (it kind of grows on you) a few years later in Germany. It’s a different culture over there. You know, when in Rome (or Munich).

One of my favorite front pouch traditions though, was eating watermelon. Dad would cut the nice neat slices and hand me mine. It was cool and sweet with a crunch. Then it just seemed to melt in your mouth. We sat and quietly ate our melon while the sun set, spitting out the seeds in the grass. I always hoped we would someday get our own watermelon from the seeds. But we never did. Just for sport, I often tried to see how far I could make them go. This was one of the few times I could just let fly. Mom kept the house somewhere between immaculate and museum quality. Out on the front porch though, there was a freedom I have seldom felt since.

Dad and I in Front of our Oak Lawn House and Front Porch a Couple of Years Ago

Category: About Marriage and Family, Past, Present and Future

Their Cute When They’re Little

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Ron • 0 comment

Nothing can bring more joy or stress into a relationship than children. I still remember the pride I felt carrying Elizabeth (our first born) out of the hospital. I used the football carry I had learned in a prenatal class. It was great to be able to have her staring and usually smiling right back at me. Besides it felt manlier to say I was using the football carry. Something every prospective father needs to know is that you should never attempt fatherhood unless your masculinity is secure. After all, changing diapers, tending to owies, and going to the doll tea parties is part of the fun. It’s not just for women any more.

One thing to keep in mind when you decide to get married and have children is that they grow up. They are all cute when they are little. However, there will eventually come a day when your authority will be threatened in your own home. That’s right, they will become teenagers. If you survive that you can do almost anything. They are no longer cute and hanging on your every word. They think they are God’s gift to the world and must be freed to rule it.

When that same cute baby from the previous paragraph turned fifteen we were facing a move. All of a sudden Crystal and I were evil. We were taking her away from her friends and her life. Surely Ohio could not possibly offer anything like Indiana. Of course when there was no move in sight all she could do was complain about school, her friends and how she never got her way. I figured she could do the same thing in a new state.

One day we decided to take a little trip to a state park in Ohio. We rented a cabin for the week. We did a lot of former Elizabeth’s favorite things. Crystal took the girls horseback riding, we cooked out, and played games. There were even other kids around to play with. It wasn’t until we got in out bathing suits and rented a motor boat that it happened. I pulled into a deserted cove. I pulled the boat onto the shore and told the girls “OK everyone in the water.” At first they looked at me like I was crazy. I got a lot of that. Then I jumped in and took Lisa (about eight at that time) with me. Next Michelle (twelve) and Crystal. Finally, after a few minutes to make sure no one was watching, and we weren’t attacked by fish (or something), Elizabeth followed us into the water. Finally, we were just a family on vacation having fun. We splashed and played away the time. It was at that time, that Crystal and I knew that our little girl wasn’t gone; she was just hiding in her teenage identity.

Teenage rebellion aside, today Elizabeth, as a mother of four, is one of my favorite people. She is extremely family oriented, fun loving, a good wife, a very good mother, and a daughter of whom we are very proud.

In Honor of the Forth

Category: About Marriage and Family, Make Marriage Last