Ron, Author at Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

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Not so Golden Years by Phil Osophy

Posted on July 13, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

Life for Crystal and me has recently been about taking care of our aging dads. Baby boomers are the current sandwich generation. We still have some responsibilities in helping our children and are also responding to the needs of our aging parents. However, as much as I hate to admit it, we are getting ever closer to the sandwich’s bottom slice of bread. Already our children are deciding who will take care of Crystal and who ‘gets stuck’ with me. As of now, Liz gets me (sorry Brad) and Lisa gets Crystal. I’ll let you know when that debate is over. Of course, you might question, as I did, why in no proposed plan were old Crystal and old Ron together during their “golden years”. I’m sure that is some kind of oversight; or maybe not?

“Golden years” might be a misnomer. What about physical/mental decline and increasing dependence, is golden? You can ask my dad, there is nothing golden about it. But maybe there is some purpose. Early in my nursing career, I was giving a bed bath to a ninety plus year old lady. She screamed and complained. She no longer understood what I was doing or why I was doing it. I felt like God gave me at least a partial answer. At our weakest moments, we are giving others a chance to serve and show love. I thought of that often as a nurse. I was proud of the opportunities I had to make lives better. I think of it now as our dads need more and more assistance.

Sometimes, however, it’s just hard. One day at a time, that’s the way to live; that’s all we can handle. But, at times, we can’t help ourselves. Have you ever been lying in bed and unable to stop the tapes in your head? We run the various scenarios over and over. The right answers elude us (by the way it’s currently 4:30 AM). The ‘what ifs’ become dominant. What are we doing and why are we doing it? The answers become more and more difficult. Maybe Solomon had it right. Life is meaningless. Or is it? Maybe there is some ultimate purpose in life that is above and beyond what we can grasp. Surely the great philosophers must have the true answers.

I was in a philosophy class for a total of one day. I started to read the text book, got my assigned reading list, and decided, before the class ended, that there had to be a less painful alternative. This was supposed to be my fluff elective class. Reading six books dedicated to a subject I couldn’t care less about and writing papers was not achieving my purpose (fluff). I dropped the class immediately and got into a German film class. I thought we would be watching movies and talking about them. Of course, according to our instructor, you can’t ‘really’ appreciate the films unless you first read the books from which they came. Of course then you should write a paper or four papers comparing and contrasting the books and movies. I couldn’t win.

So that was that. In four plus years of college, and many more years of life, I never learned anything about philosophy. What I did learn, however, was something equally useless. I learned that, my least favorite movie of all times was the political satire Kafka (Castle) by Thomas Mann (a good German). As bad as the movie was, the book was ten times worse. It was a lot like the movie but took so, so, so much longer. But what do I know? Mr. Mann won the Nobel Prize for literature for his effort. Little did Mr. Mann know that, many years later, his works would be used to torture college students. By the way, I think I got an A in that class. I conned Crystal, whom I was dating at the time, into typing my term paper. I remember nothing, save the fact that I hated Kafka. Oh and there was also this guy named Siddhartha (book/movie by Hermann Hesse, another good German). He was a man who walked around a lot and had opinions about everything. I later found out that his other name was Gautama Buddha, and he started some religion.

Last Sunday, our pastor got my attention with his sermon entitled Transcendent Purpose. He made some fairly well reasoned arguments that Jesus was the only person to have a purpose beyond the normal human experience (transcendent), that will never be lost (because he is coming back). So that’s it for the rest of us? We live; we suffer; we die. It all seems quite futile, doesn’t it? Each day we are one day closer to Heaven. At least that’s something to look forward to. However, we still have to live each day. We still have aging parents who want answers when we are fresh out. Some of us, who are blessed with children, are asked for even more answers from them. Heaven help us, if they ever find out that, we too are just surviving, and are making this stuff up as we go along.

Maybe the only real answer is from another movie, Disney’s The Lion King. Influenced by William Shakespeare‘s Hamlet , it’s the story of betrayal, murder, and a young lion’s journey into adulthood (a great story for kids). Simba, the young lion, eventually takes his rightful place as the king of the jungle. He is told by the ghost of his father that life is a circle and he has always been destined for his position.

Simba’s travels took him many places. He made lifelong friends, found his future mate, and learned much from those around him. He helped those he could along the way. In the end, he realized that between what he had learned from his parents and life in general, he could be the good and rightful leader of his clan. He had evolved into the leader he was always destined to be. He would rule his extended pride with the love and wisdom of a truly great leader. Now, while the wisdom came from a combination of his parent’s teachings, and his life experiences, I believe that the love came through his parents and from God. I believe that is our true transcendent purpose in life, to pass on our love. Hate is everywhere. If you doubt it, watch the news sometime. We have to start somewhere. Showing more love won’t put a nickel in your pocket or change the bully at work. The only person you can really change is you. A random act of kindness here, a kind word there, a hug for your child or spouse, forgive a neighbor, tell the truth in love to that relative, and who knows what will happen. If that’s how you choose to live, you are part of the solution. If that’s how you live, your life may not have transcendent purpose; but you will have made a positive difference. Your little corner of the world will be at least slightly better for you having been there. Your influence will continue even when you are gone. That’s what I truly believe. Of course, I’ve already told you that I’m making this up as I go along.

If Descartes, Nietzsche, etc. have a better way to live please let me know. Maybe passing on love is a common theme in philosophy. I wouldn’t know. They didn’t cover it in my day of class. Sometimes I think about taking a philosophy class, but then I eat something, and the feeling goes away.

The last time Crystal and my dad were together Christmas 2013

Category: About Marriage and Family, Wisdom and Encouragement

A Case for Marriage (Part Two)

Posted on June 13, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

Today we celebrate the 100^th post to this web site. Hurrah!!! In all honesty, Crystal and I never thought we would find so much to talk about. The truth is, when you talk about marriage and family issues, the material never seems to run dry. Today, we will continue to discuss why on earth anyone, in this 21st century, would choose to get married. We live in a disposable society. Planned obsolescence is a way of life. That brand new I-phone that finally made it to Best Buys will be yesterday’s news by the time you get it home. I am driving my dad’s old car these days. One day, the windshield washer stopped working. I located the cheap plastic part that broke, and headed to the parts store. It was about the size of a dime and looked like it came out of a box of Cracker Jacks. “That will be $26,” said the man behind the counter. “$26?” I repeated, again looking in disbelief at the object of my affliction. Of course, the part was designed to have a limited life. A metal part would last the life of the car. But what would the fun be in that? Today, however it’s just the way we live. Don’t get used to anything. It won’t last.

Marriage is the same. I won’t be a hypocrite and say marriage is the right way, or the only way. I realize that today, this radical view would be met with substantial ridicule. I will also admit to not having all of the answers. I know a lot of really good people, including friends and family members, who have suffered through divorce. Marriage is a tough and risky commitment. Regardless of all of the rules and direction offered on this web site, there is no perfect formula to assure marital success. However, more information is always better. That is why I don’t intend to debate, but to inform. In this information age, people should make informed decisions; and believe it or not, there is a case to be made for marriage.

So why do people choose to get married? The rabbit died is no longer just cause; although, I doubt if any rabbits actually die as part of today’s pregnancy tests. Babies no longer require marriage. Single parents are everywhere. Many couples will attempt to stay together for the ‘sake of the child’. But that doesn’t make them a compatible couple. It’s can also become a little more awkward as the child grows. Some people in the world may judge you. There could also be legal or financial complexities. But the one problem I wouldn’t want to handle is, explaining to my child that, I would always be committed to him or her, but not to my partner.

Of course, we live in the freedom of choice age. That baby maybe never gets born in the first place…..That just makes me sad. I know that my parents tried for years to have me. My mother often referred to the day of my birth as one of the happiest of her life. It’s ironic that today, on the one hand, there are many couples who desperately want children. On the other hand, there are those who consider them another disposable commodity. You would think, if those couples got together, we could solve a lot of problems. But I digress.

We are focusing on marriage. But, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water (joke)….Sorry…..We may be on to something with freedom of choice. In this country, we do have so many freedoms that we often take them for granted. However, is freedom of choice always a good thing? I read just yesterday an article written by a woman who was proud of the fact that she had lived with the same man for eighteen years. She went on to say that they would choose each day to be with each other. She said it, like it was a good thing.

Maybe for her it was. I guess I’m a little different. To me making the same decision over and over just sounds stressful or even exhausting. I guess I’m just wired differently. I like to do my research, make an informed decision, and stick with it. Crystal is the same way. I guess that’s why we work.

I know some will question the above statement about the stress of cohabitation. While I can’t guarantee that stress is the reason, there is actually medical evidence to support the health benefits of marriage. There is actually a lot on the internet. Look it up for yourself. Web MD is a source I trust. They said “Dec. 15, 2004 — Marriage and health often go hand in hand, research shows. Except for weight problems, married people are healthier than those who are divorced, widowed, never-married, or live with a partner, says the CDC.”

Other articles have confirmed that even people who remarry after being widowed or divorced show improved mental and physical health than their counterparts who remain single. While there may be some health benefits to cohabitation they don’t appear nearly as strong (or well documented) as in marital relationships. Of course the quality of the marriage is also a factor. While I couldn’t find any information comparing the health of couples in “good” marriages to those in “bad” marriages, I don’t think the results would be a surprise. Prolonged emotional stress will eventually manifest itself physically. This once again proves the old adage ‘Happy wife, happy (and long) life’.

Lately, we have been spending a lot of time helping different family members. That leads me to one more point. You will have to decide whether or not it is a positive point for marriage. When you get married you forever bind families. For us, it was a positive. I couldn’t have hoped for better more supportive in-laws or extended family. I like being part of something larger than myself. Sometimes it takes time and energy, but it is usually fulfilling.

While I have strong Biblically based beliefs about marriage, they are personal and won’t be used in this blog. However, if it makes a difference to you, I can say with a great deal of assurance that God prefers marriage over cohabitation.

So that’s my case for marriage. I don’t expect it to change anyone’s mind. I just have one final thought and warning. If you are considering marriage, be absolutely certain about your readiness and your potential spouse. This blog has some good posts on choosing a spouse and preparing for marriage. The downside of marriage is the implied paradox. To have a successful marriage, two people have to agree to a lifelong commitment. If either of you don’t think of it that way, your marriage is doomed before it starts. This is nothing like other daily decisions. Marriage isn’t like your phone. You can’t just decide to switch when the next I-phone comes out; not even if it has the easily removable hot pink leather cover or all of those new aps. you’ve always wanted. In marriage, if a part breaks, you’re stuck with it, and better fix it, fast. Marriage is the institution where narcissism and self will go to die. To many, this concept just doesn’t make sense for today….or does it?

The other day, totally unprovoked, Crystal told me that I am always her hero. I’m not bragging (well maybe a little). It just helps with my final point. After 38 years of marriage, I haven’t seen my white horse for a while. I don’t do anything heroic on a daily basis. But I’m there for her. I’m still committed to her, care for and love her. The point is, a good marriage is worth the effort. I do a lot for Crystal and she does a lot for me. No one is keeping score. No one needs to. We are just better together than either one of us is apart. In the Bible it says, the two shall become one. Losing Crystal would be like losing a leg. We are one unit. I just don’t think a similar level of commitment can be made any other way. Is it worth it? We think so.

In a good marriage you can have your cake and eat it too!

Category: Make Marriage Last

A Case for Marriage

Posted on May 20, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

The other day I was at a restaurant with dad and I talked to the waiter. Crystal or my daughters will tell you that I always talk to the waiters (well people in general). I can’t help it; I’m just interested in people. Somehow the topic turned around to the people in his life. He mentioned the woman he had been living with for the last three years. He sounded very pleased with her. ‘She sounds wonderful’, is what I believe I responded. I know better than to ask about marriage plans. I mentioned my wonderful wife of thirty-eight years. Dad was with me. I don’t think he could hear much of our conversation. I introduced them and the waiter took our order.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t frown on freedom of choice or other lifestyles. I just think the pendulum has swung a little too far. If you have a TV or live in the world, you know what I’m saying. These days a common response to ‘I’m getting married’ is ‘why?’ I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world if I said I didn’t understand the advantages of the trial run. Rent versus buy is one of the first things I learned to compare in my economics classes in college. Members of my family have lived with ‘significant others’. It is just the way of today. Truthfully, I might have lived with Crystal before marriage, if she was a modern woman of the s1970s. Of course, if she had been that modern, I might not have wanted to make the commitment to spend my life with her. Commitment is a good word. We will get back to it.

The point is simple. Marriage has been on the decline for years. Success rate is only about 50%. Many of my best friends have been divorced. Divorce is painful, ugly and costly. Why take that chance. If you live with someone, in theory, you can simple wave goodbye and it’s over.

I’m sorry, maybe I am old fashion. I just don’t buy it. Our book is all about three couples who defied the odds and had successful marriages. I believe that even in the 21^st century there must be some positives to marrying the one you love. So, over the next couple of blogs we will do our best to oppose popular social morays and build a case for marriage.

Today we will talk a little about marriage’s popular alternative. Why do people choose to live together monogamously? I believe, for some, it represents a step toward marriage. Others believe it is a way to test the relationship; while still others may use it to postpone a commitment (there’s that word) they are not certain, they are willing to make.

One problem with cohabitation, as I see it, comes in when you and your significant other have different goals or levels of commitment (again). To one, the arrangement may represent a temporary end game. To the other, it may represent a never ending audition for marriage. In many cases, neither is being totally honest about their true feelings. Of course, they may not know themselves.

Next, if you go into a relationship wanting to make sure there is an easy out, it will most likely end in one. If marriage is the goal, note that statistically, the chances of the trial run leading to a successful marriage are lower than marriage without the trial run. A relationship founded on convenience and” maybe we do, maybe we don’t”, is not a basis for lasting love.

OK, that’s enough of my soap box for today. It’s time for a story. Crystal and I met in 1975 at a fifties party (that’s 1950s) at Bradley University. When the party was over, she went back to her dorm room and complained about me to her roommate. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight for either of us.

Our relationship wasn’t much different. It took a while for us to get serious. We were both dating other people. However, when we finally realized how well we worked together, we became inseparable. We studied together, went on walks, and even ate most of our meals together. It soon became obvious to us and all of our friends, we had something special.

We talked about someday getting married. When I say we talked, I mean we talked. We talked location, apartment vs. home, engagement period, and even number of kids. I said one. After all, I was an only child, and practically perfect in every way (yeah, I know, don’t call me Mary). She wanted four. I almost had a heart attack. Eventually, she won that debate. We had three. We probably would have had four if her baby making equipment hadn’t broken down.

Once in my mind, I was certain we were committed (again) to spending our lives together, I took the next step. My roommate at the time was George. He was a brilliant fellow Chemistry student. While I struggled with all of the concepts, he hung around with professors, and acted as if college was a mere formality of life. George was a true renaissance man. He not only knew chemistry, he knew a lot about many diverse subjects. He, however, had a bit of social awkwardness until he knew you well (picture Sheldon Cooper, but much friendlier and nicer). Naturally, George was the first one I went to when I started looking for a ring. He immediately started talking cut, facets, clarity. Do you know the origin of the term carat? He did and so did I at one point.

We went to the Hertzberg Jeweler at the new Peoria Mall. I looked at the rings trying to decide what Crystal would like, and I could afford. George talked to the Jeweler like he worked there. We finally came across this beautiful white gold ring set with multiple small chips and a small but certified perfect main stone. Perfect, I thought, just like our love. Did I mention I was sappy back then? Anyway, I knew that was the one.

I plopped down what was easily three months wage at the government lab where I worked part time. Once we left, I started planning my strategy. Everything had to be perfect. I wanted Crystal to remember the moment for the rest of her life, and then some. When I first met her, I told her I was an optimist and a romantic. She was skeptical at the time. This was the time to put up or shut up.

Finally, it came to me. I had all of the questions answered. It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. Classes were over. I suggested a nice walk in Laura Bradley Park. This beautiful forested hilly park was a block from campus. We walked there often so she would suspect nothing. We walked past the playground, past my favorite climbing tree, down the hill and past the tennis courts. We crossed the little foot bridge over the creek. We talked as we walked. A good part of the conversation was cleverly steered toward our future married lives together. I had to make sure Crystal was in. I was certain that rejection would prove terminal. Everything was go for Mission Proposal. We reached the predetermined spot. In the middle of a small grove with flowers (well pretty weeds) and trees next to the creek there was a large rock. I signaled Crystal over and gently hoisted her to sit on the rock. Back then I could do stuff like that (gentle hoisting). I assumed the position (one knee) and presented the ring. The reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. Crystal was definitely surprised. Actually shocked would be a better description. She did say yes. She smiled pleasantly as I put the ring on her finger. I took her back to her room, but was a little disappointed. I knew her pretty well by then. I thought to myself, she would have reacted with more enthusiasm if I had a chocolate in the case. Oh well, at least we were engaged. Cross that off my list.

The next day Crystal gave the ring back. Apparently, while she had every intention of marrying me, she couldn’t be engaged while we were at school. She couldn’t split her focus. I told her that the engagement didn’t change anything; but she didn’t see it that way. This should have been a clue to me. Crystal and I were vastly different people.

Around six months later (after graduation) I tried again. This time it was in a restaurant and slightly less romantic. I pushed the box across the table and told her this was her last chance. This time she gratefully accepted the ring. She was in.

There were a lot of things, a lot of differences, we learned about during our early years of marriage. Looking back I see where, at least in our case, many have become strengths. As far as handing the ring back, I now think I understand it a little better. Crystal realized something I didn’t. I saw marriage as our happily ever after. I now realize that only works in fairy tales. Crystal saw it for what it was. This would be the biggest single commitment in her life. It’s a far bigger commitment than buying a car or even a house. I told you I would get back to commitment. She went into it thinking, once done it cannot be undone. Marriage requires two people who are totally committed to making it work, for the rest of their lives. She was not willing to take that step until she could devote 100% of her focus to it. I think if more couples thought that way, there would be fewer divorces, and greater satisfaction in marriages.

Our next blog will be the 100^th on this web site since its inception. It’s party time!!!! Know that you are not alone. Some days over thirty people read our site. I think rather than sit here and pat ourselves on our backs. Crystal and I see this as a statement of interest in the topic covered. The goal of our blog is to talk positively about marriage and family issues. If we can, at the same time, occasionally entertain with real life stories, so much the better. Thanks so much for your patronage.

Crystal’s Corner

I am glad that Ron has written this blog. I think that many couples are confused about living together and marriage and the differences between them. I will give you a little history lesson now. In the 1970s, following the crazy free love 1960s, more couples were living together. We were not seeing happiness in their relationships. We were seeing more of them crash and burn. Even though women were becoming more career minded, educated and independent, when it came to men, they were wishy washy and insecure.

Many of my friends and coworkers were living with boyfriends who I thought would never marry them. I was engaged right after college and working downtown Chicago. I was one of the happiest people there, definitely “walking on sunshine”. Ron was sweet, romantic and thoughtful. We were very busy planning our wedding. I knew he would marry me anywhere and anytime. He wanted to be my husband and the father of my children. I had that happiness growing in my heart which was bursting a lot of the time. I would quote things that he said until my sister told me to stop it. She didn’t think he was a great philosopher, but she knew that our love was strong and growing. I was also raised to value myself and to value the relationship I had with God and my family. My parents had a strong loving fulfilling marriage. We show this in our memoir. My father was also very loving and supportive of his children. I was living at home and he was driving me to the train every day. He thought I could wait awhile to marry Ron. He liked Ron, but I had been away for two years at school and he liked having me home again. Also, my brother was going through a divorce. My brother, however, liked Ron and could see how happy I was with him.

I had been asked before I met Ron by a boyfriend to come and live with him in another state. I had turned him down. He said, “So you are waiting for Mr. Right and a happily ever after.” I told him that I was, but really I knew that God had a plan for my life. When I met Ron at that 1950s party at school, God told me “This is your husband.” It shocked me quite a bit, but can God be wrong?

When Ron proposed at the rock, I had no idea that it was going to happen. We had had some problems during the summer and actually had broken up. A big part of the problem was that we were apart and I was having a terrible summer and ended up in the hospital. Now we had gotten back together and were on the right track. I also was having the most difficult semester of my whole college career and I was running out of money. I also had health problems. I was putting everything I had into school and trying to graduate Summa Cum Laude. He was having an easy semester and didn’t have financial problems. I should have been honest with him about what was going on with me. It is something we learned later. He didn’t understand that when girls get engaged, everyone starts asking them questions. I couldn’t plan a wedding and a future life and get through my hardest semester.

Even though I didn’t wear his ring, I still wanted very much to marry him. This completely confused him and he was very upset for awhile. I think he realized he had some things to learn about women. But we stayed together and after he graduated in Jan. we became engaged. I went back to school to fight my way through to graduation and he went home to find a job. It was a difficult time for us to be apart, but our commitment and future plans kept us together. I worked in the campus library, and my fellow workers knew, by my smile and by my step, when Ron was coming to visit. They would console me on the weekends that I was alone.

Our memoir talks about our first date, our courtship, our wedding and more. I am very glad that we wrote it all down for our girls and future generations to read. I would have loved to read a memoir or diary or journal written by my great grandmother or my grandmothers. They believed in marriage and sadly were widowed. My grandmother Johnson, who was Irish, would say to my mom, “Isn’t love grand?” For Ron and me it is, in our marriage and our commitment to each other and to God.

Swans are a symbol of fidelity and everlasting love. Like us though, in real life, they are not always faithful.

Category: Make Marriage Last

Happy B-day Liz or Thirty-Three

Posted on April 23, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

Today my oldest daughter turned thirty-three years old……Thirty-Three! You know what that makes me? Old! I was there when she was nothing. It seemed like a good idea some nine months and three weeks earlier. That’s right she made us wait an extra three weeks. In that time we got so many phone calls from relatives and acquaintances asking what we had. All I could say was a cranky wife who looked like she was smuggling a beach ball. The suspension on my car needed some repairs. The mechanic accused me of hitting some railroad tracks a little hard…..It’s possible (desperate times).

Somehow it all seemed worth it when, after thirty-three plus hours of labor, and a C-section, the nurse rolled by with a cart containing the little long limbed, dark skinned, baby girl with black hair, we had named Elizabeth. At that time, I had been up over fifty hours straight (including around 25-30 of Lamaze). I checked to make sure Crystal was still alive and swerved my car somehow safely home. Her parents were there soon to take me out to dinner (at least I think it was dinner) or maybe breakfast.

Fast Forward

I will never get the image out of my head. After a hard day at work, I stealthy approached our condo door, and quietly opened it with my key. I would generally make it about two steps into the living room before my two year old daughter would come running with coat in hand, and shouted out two of her ten word vocabulary,” Daddy, Out!”

Crystal would look at me from a distance and shrug her shoulders; and I would turn around and head back out. Of course, I had anticipated the event. On the way home, I had already hatched a plan. Would it be shopping, the gym, or the park? It didn’t matter. I knew it wouldn’t be a fight. Elizabeth had me wrapped around her finger. Besides, I did enjoy her company. She had a smile that lit up my world.

As she got older, she had so many questions. She came out of the womb wanting to know everything there was to know. For a long time, I had her fooled. She thought I knew everything. What I didn’t know, surely, her mom knew.

As her sisters came along, naturally Elizabeth was in charge. She would even instruct the baby sitters; after all she knew all of the schedules and all of the rules. At times, I felt sorry for Michelle. She was always the student when they played school and the customer when they played store. Lisa, born five years after Michelle, was always the little sister. She grew up watching and learning from her older sisters.

Fast Forward

Liz’s teen years were rough. Somewhere along the road, Daddy magic failed. She found that sometimes bad things happen for no good reason. Kids can be mean and unfair. Mommies and daddies don’t have all of the answers. Doctors and teachers don’t have all of the answers either. She had an operation when she was about twelve and couldn’t hold down solid food consistently for about six months.

Fast Forward

When her teen years were over, along with her early twenties, she made one final revelation. Maybe, just maybe, she didn’t have all of the answers either. Therein lies the beginning of true wisdom. Somehow, Crystal and I have come full circle. We, at one time, were all knowing. Then, we became always wrong. Now, we are back to at least knowing some things. The other day, Liz told me she didn’t know how I did it. She had just given her first driving lesson to my grandson and almost had a meltdown. I agreed to help. That’s what dads/granddads do.

I have to admit to at least a small amount of mirth, as I watch our now adult children learn all those lessons, which can’t be taught. As Liz now understands thoroughly, good parenting is a matter of prayer, consistence, persistence, and a little smoke and mirrors (or luck).

By the way, I have named a good number of my gray hairs after Liz. Happy Birthday Liz!

Crystal’s Corner

One of the privileges of being a parent is celebrating your children’s birthdays. Our daughter, Liz, is turning 33 years old today. She is a wonderful mother and wife as well as an excellent RN. She is also funny, warm, kind, and affectionate. She has a big heart and an open hand to almost all that she encounters. I have weird conversations on the phone with her interrupted by her children or the person handing her iced tea at the drive through. We usually talk about what is going on as well as planning our get togethers.

Her life right now, with a houseful of kids, housework to do, errands to run, meals to make, etc., reminds me of my life. I fortunately, did not work very much while I was home with the children. She has to deal with work and all that it entails as well. She is also going to school to get her B.A. I don’t know how she keeps her sanity let alone has a chance to take a shower now and then. We do try to help when we can and we encourage her and give her advice.

Sometimes, I miss the days we had together when she was growing up. She was our first one and it was just the two of us at home all day for awhile. Liz has always been a Daddy’s girl from the moment Ron lifted her up in the air in the hospital. She was also my girl who wanted to do everything I was doing. When I was feeding Michelle she would hold her baby doll and feed her with a doll bottle. She would put all of her dolls in the living room on the floor for their naps. Each one had a blanket and a book over their faces. She didn’t want them to get bored. When she was three years old and having temper tantrums, I figured out that if I put her baby doll on a high shelf, she would stop. After that I would just have to look at her baby doll when she was naughty, and she would behave.

We are really proud of all of our daughters. They have all become wonderful caring young women, who work hard and are thoughtful to us. You think you will forget those early years, but I still remember holding her as a baby, holding her hand as a toddler and dancing with her as preschooler. She kept changing and growing and amazing us. She still does today.

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth!

Ohhh how they grow!!!!!

Category: About Marriage and Family, Past, Present and Future

Happy Anniversary Pooh Bear!

Posted on April 7, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

38 years is a long time. It is approximately 13,880 days (depending on leap years). 38 years is the approximate life span of a horse. It took 38 years for an underwater salvage team to find Gus Grissom’s Mercury capsule off of Cape Canaveral, Florida (doesn’t help my point, I just love Google). At 38 years old, while my game had declined a little, I still had a decent jump shot (meaning I could still jump without annoying crackling noises).

38 Years ago gas was 63 cents a gallon, Jimmy Carter was president, and Annie Hall won the Academy Award for best picture (I know, Annie Hall????). It was also 38 years ago April first that Crystal and I were married. That’s right, we were just a couple of April Fools. Around 150 friends, family, and even some of our fraternity brothers and sisters were in attendance. It was a simple ceremony in the Methodist Church followed by a really nice bash at a local restaurant. A good time was had by all.

Crystal was beautiful. She wore a floor length white dress made by her mother. On it were over a thousand individually hand sewn beads. That’s love. If asked, and I wasn’t, I would have found a way to use a staple gun.

So here comes that beautiful girl down the aisle holding her dad’s hand. I stood at the front of the church in my off white tux staring at my oncoming future. The music played that all too familiar tune. This is what we had been waiting for roughly two years. I froze. Later her sister Jeanette said, I looked like the proverbial Deer in headlights. I can’t for the life in me tell you what I was thinking at the time. Maybe I wasn’t! My mind might have gone blank. It wasn’t until Crystal stood next to me and looked into my eyes that I returned from my little sojourn. She smiled and then so did I.

However, I think I was still in a small state of trance though the entire ceremony. Oh I knew exactly what was happening. After all, we had rehearsed everything the day before. I just don’t think I realized what all of those fancy words meant: for better or WORSE, for richer or POORER, in SICKNESS or health, until DEATH!

Over the next thirty-eight years we got to it all. The worse came in many forms, from arguments, to stressful job situations, to raising children (blessing or not there is stress). The poorer came in the form of layoffs. At times I worked construction and even delivered pizzas for a while. The girls actually got tired of me bringing home pizzas for dinner. Sickness has been a substantial part as well. Crystal and I are both cancer survivors. I still remember during a particularly grueling nine hour surgery playing the part of the calm one as I sat with Crystal’s parents in the waiting room. I believe at that time, my mom was ninety miles away watching our three girls. It was then that I first contemplated the death part.

Don’t get me wrong; I know we had just as many or more good, and even great things occur over those thirty-eight years. I just think I am glad that even in our premarital counseling, I remained ignorant about what might come. If I had any clairvoyant thoughts, I might have called the whole thing off. Maybe that’s why God tells us not to worry about tomorrow (Math. 6:34). One day at a time is all we can handle.

On the other hand, if we had never gotten married, good and BAD things still would have happened to us. They just wouldn’t have happened to us together. I guess that’s where I’m glad. Through all of the rough times there is no one I’d rather commiserate with or celebrate with during good times. There is no one else I can count on to always tell me the truth, whether I like it or not. There is no one else who has forced me to grow so much: as a person, a husband, a father or even as a son. There is something reassuring in the knowledge that, even when we argue, we know we are committed to resolve our differences.

No, marriage doesn’t solve anything. However, our lives will have problems no matter what. 38 years is a long time, married or not. I’m just glad I haven’t been in this by myself. 38 years later, and ready for more challenges and more adventure, as God leads us. Until death, will have to wait.

Happy Anniversary Pooh Bear

PS In case you are wondering, Winnie the Pooh was one of Crystal’s favorite books growing up: i.e. Pooh Bear. Besides I could definitely picture Crystal getting her head stuck in a jar of honey. Hey….if she is Pooh that would have to make me Tigger. I do love a good bounce.

A long time ago but not forgotten.

Category: Make Marriage Last

Why God Why?

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

I’ve been told I have a great sense of humor (or corny if you ask my daughters). Psychologically, humor could be used as a defense mechanism. It can be used to hide a deeper inner pain. It could be an escape mechanism, because life is too serious without a sense of humor. It could demonstrate an overdeveloped need for positive feedback. I’ve also heard that a good sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. Let’s go with that one.

As much as I would like, humor isn’t always possible, even for me. Life can get very real, very fast. I love our Wednesday Bible study. While I always learn from the study part, it is not the largest part of those two hours each week. That is always reserved for prayer, praises and concerns. Unfortunately, the list of concerns always seems to come out larger. We listen intently as each concern, worry, suffering is revealed. An occasional positive story helps bring life into perspective. When the list is complete we begin a time of prayer.

Lately I’ve been asking for prayer for my middle daughter, Michelle or Mishel as she prefers. She married her long time friend and companion, Alex. They had a great honeymoon: Europe and Mexico. While they had planned on having children, Michelle’s immediate pregnancy wasn’t planned. Life is all about adapting. Sometimes it’s harder to adapt than others. Late Friday night, with Alex and her sister Liz present, in a Columbus hospital, she lost the baby.

There are no jokes for that. There is no period of time that will erase the horrible experience. There is only life and another in my growing list of questions for God. Oh time will pass; and the pain will seem less. Eventually, at the right time, they will try again, and be successful. If there is one thing I know about Michelle, it’s that she has so much love to give, and will be an amazing mother. I’m equally certain that, much like me, when the time comes, Alex will rise to the challenge.

Yes, he will be the first to steal the baby’s nose. His heart will fill with pride as he uses his best football carry to transport his new little bundle of pride and joy. In a little while he might even teach his child something akin to my flying baby trick. It always elicited smiles from my daughters and a scrupulous stare and moan from Crystal. I enjoyed her reaction almost better than my daughters’.

Oh there will be times when their young child will terrify them. I remember when Michelle was three and she went into convulsions. We got her to the hospital in time. Even then, she smiled and enjoyed the attention. Then there was the time when she got lost at a large fair we were attending (my fault if you ask Crystal). I covered a lot of ground at a rather high rate of speed. We found her by the concession stands, looking for a handout. In second grade, her teachers were mean to her. She came home crying every other day. We wound up homeschooling her for a year and then sending her to a Christian school we really couldn’t afford. When it comes to your kid, it’s never about money.

For years Michelle was my jogging partner. She always got more exercise than me though. Somehow girls can’t run quietly. I think it takes a lot more energy to talk while you’re running. Somehow I think the talking, or processing of life, was her reason for running. Of course, I enjoyed the company and one on one time with her.

When I see my girls go through life and its associated challenges, I marvel at their resilience. I like to think they got some of that from Crystal and me. While I am sure they probably each have their lists for God, they will continue to endure. At times they will even thrive. Other times, like today, they will grieve. Even God acknowledges; for everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

That means that, sometime, hopefully in the not too distant future, I will again find something funny about life. I hope it is soon.

This was three year old Michelle later on that trip when she had convulsions.

Category: About Marriage and Family

Give Me a Kiss, it’s Valentine’s Day!

Posted on February 13, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

So, raise your hand if you know where all of this Valentine’s Day stuff started. As far as I’m concerned, it started when I was a little kid and Mimi gave me candy and filled out cards for me to give to my classmates. However, I am now led to believe that the origins date back somewhat earlier. In fact the actual origin is said to be somewhat of a mystery. February is prime mating season for many species of birds, but I don’t think they celebrate the holiday. Actually, the early origins have more to do with warding off evil spirits and increasing fertility than romantic love. The early Roman feast of Lupercalia was celebrated between February 13^th and 15^th. It included such charming rituals as sacrificing goats and dogs and then having men hit naked women to make them fertile.

Around 496 AD Pope Galasius, not wanting to be outdone, proclaimed February 14^th to be a Christian feast day. The slight twist was that the day was now set to honor a third century martyr, St Valentine. Apparently when Claudius became emperor he decided his soldiers shouldn’t be married. It would distract from their commitment to duty. A young priest and romantic, Valentine, held secret marriage ceremonies against the edict. When caught and refusing to renounce his religion, he was executed.

Then Hallmark and Russell Stover got wind of it, and the rest is history. Personally, I think people just wanted to break up the gap between Christmas and Easter with another celebration. When you think about it, there is a holiday practically every month or so from Labor Day through the fourth of July. Of course, the summer doesn’t need a holiday. It is practically one in itself.

Also, what’s better than an excuse to snuggle with a loved one in the middle of winter? As a romantic and a scientist, I believe in winter snuggling. It is fun and helps conserve heat. This also makes me wonder about how this day affects the November birth rate. Elizabeth now works in OB. I’ll have to ask her next November. Hey, come to think of it, dad’s birthday is November 15^th. I believe his parents must have had a very happy Valentine’s Day nearly a century ago.

Valentine’s Day is also a great excuse for dating, parties, and gifts. As for Crystal and me, we probably won’t do anything special this year. We’ve been invited to several nice church events, but have plans with my dad. I am sure we will exchange cards, but not much more. Please don’t feel sorry for us. In fact, you might even envy us. Crystal and I are always each other’s Valentines. I generally keep her well stocked with chocolates and flowers throughout the year. We also go out regularly on days when the restaurants don’t have waiting lines. I have also gotten into the habit of buying her the traditional heart shaped box the day after at half price. She enjoys them just as well, and always shares them with me. As for snuggling and heat conservation, again we need no special excuse. I think that’s the way a marriage should work.

So enjoy your day. Just don’t sacrifice any dogs or slap any naked ladies (they don’t like it). Even if you don’t have anyone special, have fun with friends, or at least take advantage of half priced chocolates. Yum!

Crystal’s Corner

Obviously, you can see from my Valentine’s point of view, it is not a big holiday. I like Valentine’s Day. For one thing, there is a lot of red- on cards, on candy boxes, etc. I like the color red. It was one of my mom’s favorite colors. Also, it is a time when people appreciate each other whether it is your sweetheart, your mom, your grandmother, your friends or even the nice neighbor next door. It is nice to get a pretty card and even a treat like chocolate or some flowers. I try to send out Valentine’s Day cards every year and also I make some kind of baked goods or candy. I have made Ron a heart shaped cake, a loaf of bread, chocolate shaped into hearts and flowers and even some collage cards. We also go out to dinner or a movie or something, as Ron said, usually not on Valentine’s Day. It is too crowded.

I remember one year, when we were living in Michigan, Elizabeth and Michelle were little and they were watching me get ready to go out with Ron on Valentine’s Day. I was dressing up and wearing my special red high heels. They knew that I rarely wore those shoes. For one thing, they were uncomfortable, but also they were just for special occasions. So they went to talk to Ron about our important date. He said. “I don’t know what you are talking about. We are going out to dinner with friends.”

Elizabeth says, “No, Dad, you are going on a special date because Mom is your valentine.”

To which he responded, “Why do you think this is so special?’

She says, “Because Mom is wearing her red shoes from the back of the closet that she only wears on special dates.”

Then he looked puzzled and, of course, tickles them. It didn’t turn out to be that special, believe me. The meal wasn’t that good and during the meal, Ron and his friend had to go in to the office because of some problem. So I ended up with his friend’s wife back at our house, staring at my red shoes, waiting for them to come back. The girls ended up staying at the babysitter’s house overnight. I think that is one of the reasons why we stopped going out on Valentine’s Day and, instead, celebrating either before or after.

Anyway, have a nice Valentine’s Day. Life is short. We have to celebrate any time we can. Enjoy the red. I know I will.

Wife of 37 years, flowers brand new, plastic decorations from my mom’s (Mimi) hidden stash in dresser, now residing in our garage.

Category: Holidays

Let’s Talk Cats: Crystal’s Corner

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Ron • 0 comment

When I was growing up in Chicago, I really wanted a pet. I always liked cats and dogs. My parents would not let us have a pet, especially a cat, even though we had field mice in our house. After Ron and I bought our townhouse in Alsip, we got two kittens. Samantha was a gray long hair, very intelligent female and Peter a black and gray tabby, affectionate, but not very smart. I constantly talked to Samantha and Peter even before I became a stay at home mom and worked part time. They always looked as though they knew what I was saying. Although, strangely enough, they never obeyed a single command. I did, however, teach Peter to walk on a leash outside, which amazed our neighbors in Chicago. They were my babies until we had Elizabeth. These cats both loved the baby. When she would cry, they would look at me and meow. When Elizabeth was about two years old and she would cry, Samantha would lick her tears. As a toddler, Liz would fall on them or grab them, but they wouldn’t hurt her. Instead they would look at Ron or me for help.

Peter and Samantha were sibling strays, living outside with their mother under some bushes between two houses, when a friend of ours at church found them and sought homes for them. Since then, every cat we have taken in has come to us. We didn’t go looking for them. Friendly, a black and gray tabby stray, who looked a lot like Peter, was in a bush across the street from us in Indiana. Elizabeth was 6 years old when she rescued him. It was love at first sight. He was her cat. The older cats (Peter and Samantha), now 8 years old, didn’t want a new cat in their house, but after a time, learned to love and cuddle with Friendly. Friendly was very persistent in making friends with them.

On Michelle’s 13^th birthday, at her slumber party, “Minnie”, a beautiful gold and white stray cat, had her kittens on our back porch. We had to take her to the vet to get two more kittens out. The kittens were premature and did not survive. But of course, after such a traumatic experience, Minnie would have to live with us. She would sit on top of a dresser by the window overlooking our porch. We had been feeding her as an outside stray. Now another stray, “Asia”, was visiting on our porch. Minnie was talking to Asia like they knew each other on the outside. We fed Asia and petted her outside. Then one day, we noticed she was limping. We took her to the Vet and saved her life. Asia was a little cat with brown, black, gold, and white colors. When we let her in, Minnie, who seemed fond of her on the porch, didn’t want her in our house. However, she soon got over it as did our other three. That’s right, we were up to five. God help us!

After we moved to Ohio with all of these cats except Peter, who died in Indiana, we found a kitten in our driveway. Ashes, a gray longhaired tailless cat, was injured and had to see the Vet. He attached himself to Samantha, who looked like him, but didn’t want to be near him. We lost Samantha soon after we moved. She was 20 years old and had been with us through five moves and four states. Maybe about a year after that we got Seal, another stray with problems. This rather small gray tailless cat soon grew a real affinity for our youngest daughter Lisa.

Now in 2016, we only have Seal. Ron, however, is trying to become friends with a little, not so friendly, black cat who comes onto our front porch from time to time. We do get stray cats in our driveway and hiding in our raspberry bushes. This cat likes living outside and is not warming up to him.

Since Lisa moved out, Seal who has always been very affectionate and has become my lap cat. When Lisa visits from time to time, he seems very happy splitting time between us. I am used to lap cats. All of the cats with the exception of Minnie have been on my lap. When we had Asia and Ashes, they would take turns. Asia, the female, would dominate, but Ashes and Seal would sometimes climb on top of her on top of me, especially when I am working on crafts or reading or writing. They would have to be a part of it. Asia would take pins out of my pin cushion and just drop them next to it. They all loved chasing a spool of thread around the room. Asia was a bit of a tease. She would also find a small toy somewhere and then take it in the living room. She would get the other cats to play with it and then just take it away and hide it.

As much trouble as cats can be with their hair everywhere, knocking things off tables, sitting on my knitting, crocheting, and quilting projects, fleas (at times) and illnesses, I never regretted having any of them. The bottom line is; I guess I’m a cat person. I don’t even want to imagine living without one in our house. These days I run many of my ideas past Seal. He always approves and looks at me with loving eyes. Since Lisa moved out, Seal even sits on Ron sometimes, if I am not around. He meows when I come back as if to say “Where were you?” Then he plants himself on me to keep me from leaving again. I just pet him as if to say, “I’m here.” I think, in his own way, he smiles as he cuddles with me.

P.S. I don’t think Seal wants the black porch cat to come in here. Asia sometimes comes back as a ghost and rubs my leg. I think she is enjoying cat heaven, but just misses me.

Ron’s Two Cents

Unlike Crystal, I have had many pets growing up, including a couple of very loving cats. When I suggested to my new bride that we could have a cat I thought she would explode. She was so very happy. Originally, when we went to look at the litter living in our friend’s bushes we agreed to pick one. Samantha came right to me as if to say I choose you. The lady told us it would be a good idea to take another, ‘at least for a couple of days’, so Samantha wouldn’t get lonely. Boy, were we saps. I reached into the bush and pulled out Peter.

We loved them both. Their first toy was an empty Kleenex box. They both fit in very easily. Peter loved being a family cat and just liked people in general. Samantha, while a people cat, was particularly fond of me. I called her my daddy’s girl. I have been fortunate enough to have three more daddy’s girls since, but none of them had four legs.

There was no doubt that while, as Crystal said, both cats adapted to our girls, Samantha was obviously jealous. She didn’t like sharing me or our attention. I still remember the day that our one year old was crying and we were desperately searching for her pacifier. We were ready to give up. As I got ready to go to the store to buy a new one, there was Samantha bounding energetically up from the basement. She almost looked proud as she showed off her new chew toy. Crystal and I both laughed hysterically at the site. Of course this find didn’t keep me from my trip to the store. There were just a few too many holes in that pacifier by the time we managed to wrestle it away from our girl cat.

I think every married couple needs pets. It’s probably what kept Crystal and me together all of these years. If we broke up, who would get the cats?

Note: I’ve had the unenviable task of burying four cats since we’ve been in Ohio. The first three are in our back yard in unmarked graves. The fourth (and any subsequent cats) I buried in some local woods. Unfortunately, since I didn’t mark the three graves, I don’t remember exactly where they are and don’t want to disturb them.

Michelle with Peter and Elizabeth with Samantha circa 1987

Category: Animals and Pets

♫ Do You Hear What I Hear? ♫

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Ron • 1 comment

Yes the holidays are over; and no this isn’t an attempt to relive them. For better or worse (only a slight reference to wedding vows), this web site is dedicated to supporting the institute of marriage. There are probably hundreds of theories on why marriages succeed or fail. However, to one extent or another, I believe at some level, most stem from problems with communication. There are various theories on how communication occurs. Most involve a sender, a message, a receiver, and often feedback. It sounds simple until you realize that interpretation is involved. All too often, what the sender intended to communicate is misinterpreted by the receiver. Then there are compounding factors like the honesty, motives behind the message, the emotional state of each party, frames of reference, and expectations. There is also a notable difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is the physiological response to sound. Listening involves processing the sounds into thoughts.

There are hundreds, maybe thousands of books dedicated to the subject of communication. To narrow the focus a little, we will confine our discussion to men and women within the confines of marriage. My first communication problems with Crystal actually began before our marriage. The summer before my last semester at Bradley University I was at school; and prior to her senior year, Crystal had a summer job in Chicago. There were one hundred and fifty miles between us. Somehow it seemed like a lot more. I had a great summer; Crystal, not so much. I was seeing old friends, partying, working and going to school. Crystal was back home and having a rough time of things. Somehow every time I would talk to her I would say something wrong. When I wrote to her, it would be even worse. It was like we were two different species. I didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand me. The reality was that this was the beginning of a long discovery process about our differences.

Men and women, while not different species, are different. One thing I learned while studying nursing is that anatomy (structure) determines physiology (function). Our brains are not the same; our chemistries are not the same. To expect us to respond exactly the same is not realistic. These differences can either add to our marriage or drive it into the rocks. The better we understand these differences, the better we can make them strength.

When my three daughters call us, they will generally ask to talk to one of us. When they ask for mom, they need to dish. In other words, women need to talk in order to thoroughly process their thoughts. That is one reason women, on the average, speak so many more words each day than men. When my daughters ask to speak to me, they generally ask a very focused question about a specific subject. Should I take that job or what is wrong with my car? They know that, as a man, I am very task and results oriented. If they try to process thoughts with me, I will cut them off with solutions and suggestions (although I have gotten better over the years). Therein lies the problem.

I can assure you that at some point, every wife has thought that her husband and she were in total agreement. She was then shocked when he denied having the discussion? On the other hand, at some point, every husband has the experience of his wife insisting that he agreed to something that he had no clue about? Well the mysterious truth is that they were both right (refer to hearing vs. listening above). As I have said, on numerous occasions while writing these posts, I am no expert. If you want an expert, ask Dr. Phil. I just know what I have observed. When Crystal and I sit in our living room and watch TV, we talk. Actually, Crystal talks and I listen and occasionally chirp in. Sometime later, we have a discussion about what was said, and how I agreed to, disagreed with, or was informed of something. I earnestly have no recollection of said discussion. The problem occurs when Crystal starts using me to process her thoughts and then segues into an action oriented item. At some point, her ability to speak exceeds my ability to actively listen. While I may have made a gesture or grunt of acknowledgment, it should in no way be later used against me.

In addition man vs. women differences we have differences as individuals. In my case, as a kid I suffered with ADD. While I have learned to control it, I never totally got over it. For example, on the rare occasions that I actually join Crystal in watching Dr Phil, he will say something like “It’s not like I just fell off the turnip truck”. To the average watcher, I’m sure the implications are obvious. To me, however, I begin analyzing the statement. Does he mean that he isn’t a turnip (assuming turnips are stupid)? Is this a slur on migrant workers? Is he saying that if someone fell off a turnip truck they might land on their head and become disoriented? Why did he pick a turnip truck and not a garbage truck or a potato truck? At any rate, by the time I return to the show, generally two guests are yelling at each other for some dumb reason.

So what is the answer? If I were a wife, when I needed my husband’s attention for a decision, I would grab each of his ears with my hands and stare straight into his eyes while engaging in an important discussion. However, as a man, I would really object to being treated in such a manner. So the bottom line (a man term) is, I have no answer to resolve a problem which has existed throughout history. My hope is that, simply being aware of the difference will help. It should! It’s not like you just fell off the peanut wagon!

Crystal’s Corner

Doesn’t Ron talk like a scientist? I am not a scientist. I tried to do experiments in my high school lab and ended up with the table on fire. While Ron makes some good points I have a slightly different take on our specific situation. When I talk about sports, his Dad, the car, dinner or something that he is interested in, then he hears me. Well, not always when I talk about plans with his Dad. But if I am talking about the girls and their problems, my problems, a movie I want to see or a book I want to read, then he doesn’t hear me. Even when I get his attention and he looks straight at me, he still won’t remember later. There are times when I have written him letters in order to get a point across. That does actually work.

It is also a problem to me when he is watching TV or just tired and I have something I am excited to tell him, that he tells me to talk to him later. In the first place, I am excited now. In the second place, I will forget about it later. We have progressed somewhat in our lines of communication. But just today we had an argument (or loud discussion) about two laundry baskets. The baskets were both in the big bathroom. One of the baskets had the clothes I wash by hand in it and the other one had the clothes that either he or I will wash by machine. He had put the wrong basket in the hallway on its way to the laundry. When I saw it, I told him, “you have the wrong basket.”

He said, “No, I don’t”.

I said, “Yes, you do.”

This went on for awhile until I showed him the other basket that had the machine washable clothing in it. I am glad I caught it or my sweaters would shrink when he washed them.

Most of the time, we communicate pretty well, but like most couples, we have our moments. I would recommend the book, Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars, but I wouldn’t try to discuss it with your husband while he is watching TV. Maybe they only have TV on Mars. Anyway, happy communicating, and Happy New Year 2016.

There’s my wifipoohe and a calf (wife on right), along with a great fall picture of dad by the Scioto River.

Category: About Marriage and Family

Merry Christmas and to all a Fair Fight

Posted on December 17, 2015 by Ron • 2 comments

Tis the season to be jolly….or maybe tenser than any other time of the year. This time of year can either bring great joy or great sadness. The multitude of decisions, extensive preparation, and social obligations serve as a great test for the strength (or lack thereof) of your marriage. It’s probably no coincidence that, historically, the highest divorce rate is around the middle of January. The crucible of the holiday season is one of the purest tests for your relationship. If you share values, and communicate well and often, you and your spouse could have a truly wonderful season. If not,,,,,well, fa la la la laaa la laa laa laaaa.

The other day Crystal and I had a minor disagreement. After thirty seven years, we don’t fight anymore. We just have disagreements. At least I think that’s what we decided. It actually had nothing to do with Christmas, but a pre-Christmas gift we had agreed to give one of our daughters. This was one of those disagreements due to a financial misunderstanding (a common Christmas fight theme). We have learned a few things over the years. There was no name calling or swearing. I wound up leaving the house in a huff, determined to get and deliver the present. Crystal had been shocked when I told her how much it would cost. However, while driving and cooling off, I thought of more places I could look for the present. I wound up with a much better deal than I originally anticipated. It was still more than Crystal had envisioned, but the quality was excellent. My daughter was thrilled. By the time I returned home she had already called and thanked her mom. Crystal and I apologized for our disagreement and had a very nice evening.

Why am I sharing this? One of the purposes of this blog is to support marriage relationships. In marriage there will be disagreements. How you handle them can be the difference between a “good” and a “bad” marriage. We can learn some things from the above example. First, there never had to be any disagreement. Think about it. We were both in total agreement to give this gift. We just had never talked money. When I told Crystal what I thought it would cost, I failed to mention the store research I had already done. She immediately reacted based on what the item should cost from a materials point of view. Point number one is always try to be specific and when making a plan; and don’t leave out important parameters (like money).

The second problem was that, in my mind, I had scheduled that day (“when” is another important parameter) to get the job done. I never told Crystal until I was ready to leave. Point two is work together on scheduling. A calendar would be helpful.

Those were really our two main problems. They really both came down to, as do most marital problems, communications. We can also learn from things we did well. When I left the house, we each took time to decompress. Remember, you can’t always fix things immediately or in the heat of battle. It is sometimes better to take a break before you say things you can’t take back. Also, as mentioned, there was no name calling or swearing. It only makes sense to respect the person who (don’t take this wrong) you are stuck with for life.

Another lesson we learned a long time ago is that, even when upset, we listen. Even though I thought Crystal’s figures were way off, I heard her. By telling me her opinion, she had changed my mission. I was now determined to find the best deal possible and still meet my daughter’s needs. I checked out a number of additional stores. The eventual purchase, while still higher than Crystal’s estimate, was about half of mine.

Finally, while it seems simple, ask any married person, it isn’t, we apologized. Perfect people never have successful marriages. That’s because there are none. We are all hopelessly flawed. When we try to live together, without forgiveness, we just multiply each other’s failures. So remember this holiday season, love and forgive like the one perfect person ever and the reason for the season.

As with Scrooge at the end of “A Christmas Carol”, take the spirit of this season throughout the year. Always do your best to be kind and caring to all, but especially to those closest to you.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Ron & Crystal

This is me with my girls at Michelle’s wedding in October.

Category: Make Marriage Last