Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

              Of course I mean date your spouse. Before you are married you date to get to know someone, have some fun, and take a break from the stresses of every day life. Once you are married, you need the same things. Of course, with any luck you already know your spouse. But that can change. Something which isn’t discussed or widely known is that, we continue to change throughout our lives. Our goals, likes and dislikes, our lifestyles, strengths and abilities continue to change as we age. Crystal recently started watching these seemingly endless court cases on TV. I am much more into golf than I used to be. We are adjusting to having grown up kids.

            Change is inevitable. The trick is to continue to communicate. Take time to be together in a lower stress environment; time dedicated to your relationship (staying on the same page). Also, when possible, plan time just dedicated to fun activities. I am convinced part of the divorce problem, in today’s fast passed world, is that couples lose touch over time.

            A date doesn’t have to be some grand romantic gesture, just time together to talk or pursue some common interest. When I was working a lot of hours, Crystal and I would just go out to the “Coffee Cup” (local no frills restaurant) for breakfast a couple times a week. When we didn’t have much money, we would make a date out of a picnic at the park and maybe a trip to the library.  These days it’s usually a more standard dinner and a movie. We also plan an overnight, two to three time a years, just to get away.

            My dad recently took us to Florida for a vacation. He was anxious to show us some of the places he and mom used to visit on their almost annual trips. We met some relatives who were new to both Crystal and me. We did a lot of sight seeing and ate more fish than I have probably eaten in the last year. Crystal and I also took some time to be alone. One day we went for a nice bike ride by the Ocean. On another day we walked through the Botanical Gardens and then to a Greek restaurant for lunch. Dad was fine with us going. After being married to my mom for sixty-four years, he would be the first to tell you to take and enjoy your time together.

            So learn from our example. Grow together and not apart. Stay on the same page. Take time to date your spouse and remember all of the neat things about them. Encourage their growth and let them encourage yours. And don’t forget to have some fun!

And stand together, yet not too
near together.  For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.

from Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet

Men and women are different. I know, Da! Well, I’m not talking about the obvious curves vs. Adam’s apple type of differences. I’m talking Mars vs. Venus, Waffles vs. Spaghetti, and yes I mean my man brain vs. hers. There is a lot of good information on the subject. I don’t profess to be an expert. However, where these differences relate to marriage, the rule is, first acknowledge the differences, then work together to adapt. If you do that you can turn a potential marriage buster into a strength. There is no magical formula, nor a universal procedure. Like anything where two people are involved, there is uncertainty. For example, if I told you men are bigger and stronger than women, you could probably think of some example where that isn’t true. In that case, who do you think would be the logical person to open the pickle jar? Whoever can do it the best of course (ego not withstanding).

Let me illustrate with a personal example. As with most women, Crystal uses more words than I do on a daily basis. In fact there are times when her ability to talk exceeds my ability to listen. You might say, I just go to a happy place. Early in our relationship this tendency caused some significant problems. It was even brought up in counseling. Today, however, we have adapted. I have learned to catch myself earlier and apologize when I drift off. Crystal has learned that I mean no disrespect and am not purposely ignoring her. Occasionally, she will switch topics or approach me later when I am less preoccupied/tired/etc. She has further realized that, if she wants an in depth discussion about how stupid the girls on “The Bachelor” are acting, she should talk to her daughters and not me.

In addition we use our tendencies to our advantage. If a job requires a single minded approach and possibly significant mechanical aptitude as in auto or home repairs I handle them. If however, a dogged persistence and an ability to out argue some well-trained autocratic drone and their three levels of supervision are required, well you guessed it. Crystal is the person for the job. In other words, because we have always cared more about making our relationship work than fighting for our way, we wind up both winning and are stronger as a unit. Just something to think about.

Crystal and I have thought about writing this book for a number of years. Even as a kid I told my dad that he should write a book. To me his war stories bordered on the unbelievable. He wrote what I can only call a love letter, to me when I was one year old. It is about a dozen single spaced typed pages, detailing his life’s experiences to that point. He just wanted to make sure the story wasn’t lost in case anything was to happen to him. It was extremely well written, thought provoking, and at points almost surreal.

According to Crystal, her father never talked about the war when she grew up. When she or her siblings asked, he just said war is an awful thing, and he didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t until she was a young adult that he started to reveal his war exploits. Crystal’s mom, however, was always willing to share her stories with her children. As with my parents theirs was a story worth telling.

At any rate, with what we know now, we understand a lot more about our parents and why their bonds were so strong. I say “were”, because both of our moms have passed on. Crystal’s mom died about half a dozen years ago, and mine, almost exactly a year ago today. Crystal’s parents were married fifty-five years and mine sixty-four. How rare is that kind of longevity today? They knew something about what marriage takes. Crystal and I learned a few things about marriage in our thirty-four years. It’s not just a matter of time. It takes more than dumb luck. If that were all it took marriage wouldn’t be on the critical list in this country. There will be more details in the days and weeks to come.

Let’s end today with a little story. Being the only man in a house with four females can keep you busy. The constant talking can drive you crazy. There were times I went shopping and had nothing to buy. However, there were also times when I realized why I had been put in this situation. At one time or another they all needed something; I mean really needed something and it’s up to me.

I was busy at work when the receptionist told me my wife was on the phone. I told her I would call Crystal back. She said, I think you should take this. Somehow women know. I picked up the phone and I knew immediately something bad had happened. Crystal was using her high pitched squeaky voice reserved for desperate times. All she said was, “There’s a bird in our bathroom.” She repeated, in case I had missed her first plea, “There’s a bird in the bathroom!” But wait, it gets better. Apparently she went into the bathroom totally unaware until the huge (it wasn’t that big) black bird flew toward her. Crystal jumped in the air, screamed and immediately turned around and shut the door. She said she couldn’t stop shaking for five minutes. That’s when she called me. I instructed, “just go slowly back into the bathroom and open the window. The bird is probably more scared of her than you of it.” She used a somewhat colorful metaphor and said “that is impossible”, and refused to re-enter the aviary until I had done my job. Realizing her stress level I went home for lunch, grabbed a towel, went into the bathroom and caught the poor frightened creature. I then took it outside and released it into the wild. It immediately flew away. Upon returning to check on Crystal, she was still a little upset, but relieved at my report. To this day I’m still not certain who was more relieved, Crystal or the bird.

While this story is funny to tell and the girls still laugh when they think about it, to Crystal, I’m still a hero. To me, she’s always the girl worth saving.