Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

Ready: Write your manuscript

Set: Edit your manuscript and write your query letter

Go: Research Agents – just find out as much about them as possible.  Pretend you’re Sherlock Holmes.

Then send out your query letters with hope and confidence.  Then wait, wait, wait…

Research the next agent and send out the next query letter. After more than 10 or more versions of your query letter, you will become an expert and also want to quit writing them.

Repeat this process until you get an enthusiastic response from an agent who impresses you. Of course, while you’re chasing the agent, you also have to build your platform.  This is even more complicated then writing the elusive query letter.  Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. and more social networks are waiting to hear from you.  Then there’s blogging which sounds a lot like jogging.  It’s best to do often and with energy.

I am not mentioning the proposal because I am still struggling with putting ours together.  It is like a jigsaw puzzle, writing a long term paper, and filling out your taxes. It is no fun and takes real discipline and patience (also coffee and chocolate to keep you sane).

If all this sounds frustrating, you are in good company. I don’t think Jane Austen had to do all this. But then she had to write with a quill pen and deal with outdoor plumbing and not have many opinions or wardrobe choices.  She didn’t give up and neither are we.

Recent Picture at Lake Park, Coshocton, Ohio

Ron: I’m glad we’re working on this project together.

            Dad and I just got back from a trip to the southern part of South Carolina and the northern part of Georgia. It was a very nice trip. We saw a lot of historical and esthetically pleasing sites, walked, swam, and ate enough seafood to fill a couple of aquariums. We saw beautiful flowers and palm trees at a time when central Ohio trees are just budding. We stayed mainly along the ocean around Hilton Head, Savannah, and Charleston. We also visited a couple of my dad’s long time friends. They were a very nice couple in their eighties. Dad used to work with the man. He and his wife have been friends of my parents for many, many years. My parents had made this trip many times over the years (mainly by plane). The couple lives in a beautiful retirement community along with some sixteen thousand other senior residents. It was an amazing settlement. There was everything within the community one could ever want: places to shop, a selection of restaurants, a library, pool, lakes, bike and walking paths, a lot of open wooded land, beautiful landscaping, three golf courses, and much more. What I really liked was that whenever a senior was ready to give up driving a car they would be supplied with a golf cart with which they could reach every area of the community.

            Crystal didn’t come with us. She felt that all of the driving and moving around would be too stressful. She hadn’t been feeling well for a while. When I called her, I asked if I could put a down payment on one of the houses. We are over fifty-five and could move in any time. She gave the appropriate snicker and I resumed my detailed report. The one thing I have to admit was that Crystal was right. The trip, while totally wonderful was somewhat strenuous. The night after I got home I slept for about fourteen hours straight.

            Somehow during the trip, health issues notwithstanding, I kept thinking how much more enjoyable it would have been if Crystal had been with us. I am absolutely certain my dad had similar thoughts. However, it was not so much Crystal he missed, but Mimi. After sixty-four years of marriage how could he not? They had taken this trip many times since dad’s retirement. Heck, they had taken many trips together: Florida, Europe, and even Hawaii (eleven times). For me, and I know Dad and I are similar in this, half the fun of vacationing is having an adventure with someone you love. While I love my dad, he can’t replace Crystal, and I know I can’t replace Mimi. I also think this is what makes marriage worth fighting for. This is one of those benefits that make all of the work at marriage worth it. This is why our book will someday be published. While officially a marriage ends with the death of a spouse, the memories will live on as long as one of you is still alive. Often many of those memories, especially the good ones, will go on in your family and friends beyond even your lifetime. I know it will with Crystal and my parents.

Dad and I in Hilton Head South Carolina

Well winter has hit. The last time I looked it was 1 degree outside. We no longer have hot water from the kitchen faucet. It frequently stops running when we get temperatures below zero. Crystal asked if I know how to fix it. I told her that I do, but it would require me (or someone) to go into the crawl space under the kitchen. I added that it wouldn’t be me. At sixty, I’ve outgrown any desire to crawl around in dank, dark, dirty, cold, cramped spaces to perform contortionist tricks. It won’t be any skilled laborer at their usury wage scale. I thought about my son in law Brad, but he has enough to deal with. No, we will just live with it until the weather warms up. Usually the problem clears up when the temperature hits thirty. That should be in a couple of days. Until then we play “little house on the prairie”, and heat dish water on the stove or in the microwave just like early settlers.

It’s just one of the many things we deal with in our hundred and ten year old house. It is also just another opportunity in this New Year to be thankful. Our marriage, just like our house, has some age to it. We have been married over a third as long as the house has been here. Over that time, we have been through a lot; different houses, different states, different careers, raising kids, the whole nine yards. Like the house, our marriage has survived a few storms, required a little maintenance, but in general been a great shelter from the hardships of life.

Nobody knows the future. I no longer make resolutions. Like most people I can’t keep them. If I could I certainly wouldn’t be thirty pounds overweight. Instead of resolving to improve, this year I will try to take time more often to just be thankful for all Crystal and I have together….Oh and by the way; I resolve that, the good Lord willing, this is the year our book will be published.

I love winter photography

The title of this week’s blog really is more to me than the title of one of Crystal’s favorite movies. It is really the reason we wrote our book. It is all about remembering the amazing lives we have lived and those of our parents. There is a saying that those who don’t learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it. That is a cautionary warning for political leaders and governments. However, the real juice of life is in the details. A person’s life is no more or less than a microcosm of individual events, decisions made, and interactions. They make us who we are and dictate who we become.

This week I have been thinking of one day which says a lot about who I became. I was eleven years old when I joined the Boy Scouts. One of the reasons I was excited about the organization was that the scouts went camping. That summer for the first time I would go with them. For one solid week, and the first time in my life, I would be away from my parents, and my friends (except other scouts of course). It was the adventure I had thought about for years. However, I wasn’t the only one thinking about it. My parents thought about it. Dad was fine with it and thought it would be a good experience. Mom though, was a different story. I was an only child. To her, I was her reason for existing. They thought I didn’t hear the discussions about mom’s fears and dad’s logical arguments. There are no wolves and bears around that part of Michigan. He won’t be alone. He is old enough. If he is eaten by a bear we will adopt…. Sorry, I made that last one up.

After all of the convincing was done, mom put on a brave front. Ironically, somehow it became her job to get me a physical for camp. It was easy though. I came home with a note from my scout master. All we had to do was show up at Dr. Gasteyer’s office at nine in the morning and he would give me the exam for free. That was when I first learned that my school was named after a doctor. Gasteyer School was named after the examining Dr’s father. That was back in the days when Drs actually made house calls. I had gone to the school for five years and never asked about the name’s origin. I guess I just wasn’t very curious.

That morning we set out at right around nine. The good Dr’s office/house was about three quarters of a mile away so we rode our bikes. Mom was always up for a good bike ride. When we got there, however, we were shocked. First of all when we arrived at the address there was only a white wooden house in the middle of a residential neighborhood. However we knew immediately that it was the right place because there were people everywhere. The entire front yard was full of mothers and sons waiting for their free exams. I know mom must have considered going back home; but she wouldn’t want to be the reason I didn’t get to go to camp. She knew how important this was to me. So we put our bikes next to the house and waited. We talked about anything we could think of. I tried to explain all about the White Sox (a conversation I usually had with dad). I told her more details about camp, at least what I could remember before I had started daydreaming. At one point she pulled out some paper and a pen from her purse and we played tick tack toe and some other games. Slowly the line got shorter. Around lunch time mom left on her bike to get some fast food. We ate on the steps leading up to the house. Finally in the early afternoon we got to the actual waiting room. At least there were some outdated magazines, including Boys Life (my favorite). It was four thirty in the afternoon when we finally got in to see the Dr. After a lot of questions and an exam lasting all of five minutes the Dr told us what we already knew. I was a healthy boy. He also mentioned in passing, that we could have just made an appointment for another day and gotten in and out. They couldn’t have made that announcement five or six hours earlier? We finally got home around five. When dad got home a short time later we told him the whole story. He laughed. Then mom yelled at him. I think she really wanted to yell at the Dr. Dad then graciously offered to take us out to dinner. It was one long day, and one I will never forget.

The one lesson I learned that day, and it wasn’t like I didn’t know before, was that mom would do anything for me. Doing what is best for your children, even when it may not be best for us, is a lesson Crystal and I have tried to carry on with our girls.

Crystal Michelle and Lisa on a camping trip (I still remember some of my scouting skills)

The title is a great song lyric, right? Well it is also a feeling I get from time to time. Marriage is a continuum. Early on it is all about learning to communicate constructively with your spouse. Hopefully you will have a little time before the next major challenge of raising children. Twenty or thirty years later you get to where Crystal and I are now. Parents are older and more dependent on us. And the kids, while out of the house (for the most part), still look to you for advice and encouragement. Some days it seems OK, other days it is tough. Lately, Crystal and I seem to take turns worrying and encouraging each other. I think ultimately the trick is being able to care for your family without trying to live their lives. In other words have empathy, and stay supportive, but don’t get on their roller coaster.

This last week was a good one. Early in the week we visited Crystal’s dad. Physically he has declined over the last year, but emotionally he is an inspiration. He does what he can and doesn’t worry about the rest. He trusts me and we got him out of the house a few times. He even walked a couple of houses down the street with me and his walker. I know that part of his peace comes from his faith. He wants to live life while he can but is looking forward to someday seeing his Mary Jane again.

This last weekend we had my dad visit. Dad has his physical challenges as well. While physically he is in much better shape than Crystal’s dad he is more aware of his losses than ever before. I know that he is still grieving the loss of mom. On Sunday, we had a big dinner with all of the kids and grand kids. I did most of the cooking. I was exhausted. It’s only now that I really appreciate all of those times my mom did all of the cooking. Even as she got older she would help me in the kitchen.

At any rate, I am pretty sure that everyone, including dad, had a great time. There were no deep discussions about life or problems. There were games and laughing and a lot of people rubbing their bellies (from being full, not indigestion). For at least a few moments, everything was perfect. I think those are the moments that help us carry on. I just wish mom could have been there. In some ways it was almost like she was.

Mom and Dad with the whole group in 2010

This is Crystal’s perspective about what I discussed last week. The subject of raising teenagers definitely deserves more discussion, and possibly a book or two.

We lived in Indiana for ten years. We had to move because of Ron’s job opportunities.  It is hard to move girls especially teenagers.  Our oldest girl was really determined not to move.  So when we went on this trip in Ohio where Ron was interviewing for jobs, we stayed at a really nice cabin on a lake.  The other girls were thrilled, but our oldest girl was grumpy.  Not only did she not want to be there, she didn’t want to do activities with us.  On the day we rented an expensive motor boat, she was in her room groaning.  I had to coax her out to get to come with us on the boat.  After we all jumped in the water from the boat and swam, she was very happy and enjoying herself.

Teenagers can seem like they want to withdraw from the family.  You get exasperated as a parent with them and their negative attitudes.  But really they still want to be part of the family.  My oldest girl would say she wasn’t going out to dinner with us if we were going to restaurants (that we have coupons for) that she didn’t like.  We would be on our way out the door and I would call upstairs: “See you later.  We’re going now.”  She would come running down the stairs and say, “I’m coming too.”

Overall I really believe that teenagers want to be included and know they have a place in your family that no one else can fill.  It certainly is confusing when you are parenting them, but also educational.  I have always learned from my girls whether it is about the music they listen to and new dance moves, their favorite TV shows, or opinions on what is going on in the world.