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Marriage Isn’t Learned It’s Experienced

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I love it that my daughters, and even son-in-laws on occasions, seek our council. It’s understandable. After all, we’ve been married since the dawn of time and must know it all…..NOT!!!! Even if we did, there are no short cuts. For the most part marriage is an acquired taste, and something requiring work and adaptation.

I get a kick out of hearing stories of how our daughters’ young, once perfect babies are going through new stages, and creating new parental opportunities. Or how young couples, as busy parents, don’t have time to communicate and wind up at the wrong place or at the wrong time. However, I won’t call out my kids today. I remember what it was like.

My loving wife had to be the most prepared person in the history of the world for marriage. She read a number of books, magazines and even took a class about marriage and the family. Somehow no matter what you know or think you know or have learned, until you’re there, you’re not there. The first time your spouse rolls over pulling most of the blanket off of you (not covered in marriage class), a pattern starts to develop.

Crystal is proud of her high school debating experience. However, it took a lot of experience and pain for her to realize that prolonged marital debating is counterproductive. Winning the debate must be second to supporting your marriage. At times there is no right or wrong there is just agreeing to disagree. This was a concept, which for us, required counseling and a lot of practice.

Often it is something simple. You stand in front of the refrigerator with your bowl of cereal in hand when you realize your spouse must have finished the milk. Oh! That’s what that word on the shopping list must have been. As a side note, evaporated milk just isn’t the same.

How about the argument you get into when your partner failed to change the kitty litter, and you step into the cat’s friendly reminder in your bare feet. The ensuing argument over whose turn it was could go on for days.

Of course children can bring things to a whole other level. The first time your daughter asks the second parent when she got the wrong answer from the first you realize it’s no longer just me against you. It’s us against them.

Yes marriages, even good ones like Crystal and mine, require practice and hard work (times Two). As I’ve stated before, in life, married or not, stuff happens. You and your spouse have different strengths and weaknesses. Neither is perfect or has all of the answers. Progress begins when you each admit your own imperfections. Communicate and learn to use both of your strengths; and work as a team toward common goals. God might add, remember the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). Your marriage is an excellent opportunity to develop those.

A recent visit to our Kentucky kids (Cincinnati in background)

Blog Alert: Our new cat Ella has decided to start contributing her own posts starting soon. Crystal will interpret for her. I am still learning new things about Crystal. I never knew she spoke cat.

Liz with Ella (as in Cinderella)

 

Category: Make Marriage Last

Great Memoir News

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We finally believe we have a publisher for our memoir. After about six years of research, query letters, rewrites, rejections, and most importantly persistence, we found someone who is (as they said) “definitely interested” in publishing our memoir. Torch Flame Books is a small hybrid publisher out of Durham, North Carolina. While we don’t have a contract yet, we are in the process of working with a professional editor to revise our work into publishable form. While the process will be time consuming, and costly, we are confident that the final product will be well written, edited and produced.

Marketing and Platform building will be another hurdle. Crystal and I are on a mission. I felt that God directed us in the writing and now in the publication. We believe that these stories of our parents’ lives, our childhoods, and our three love stories will be found compelling for many.

This will be a long process, but we will keep you informed. I understand that upon publication there will be a launch party. I don’t know what that will entail, but I love parties.

One thing you can do to help is to subscribe for our E-mail. On the bottom right side of the marriagememoir.com home page you will find a place to put your name and email. This is completely privacy protected and safe. It will simply make it easier to keep track of our site and receive newsletters when we publish them. It will help us keep track of subscribers and build a following prior to publication.

Crystal’s Corner

Yeah!   We are getting much closer to publication.  The last few months have been very encouraging and we are definitely on our way to holding a copy of “150 Years of Marriage” in our hands.

We want to thank everyone who has encouraged us and supported us in our mission to get this book published; also, everyone who has shown an interest in the memoir.  We will be telling you about the steps we are going through to get to the finish line.

I have learned a great deal through The National Association of Memoir Writers, Shewrites.com and Writer’s Digest and Poets and Writers magazines and websites.  I have also read many memoirs and biographies and autobiographies.  We have an Author Facebook page under our names; Crystal and Ron Meinstein.  So be looking for more posts and activity in the near future.

Whatever your goal is, persistence and research pay off.  Don’t give up.

All of the main characters of our memoir some 40 years ago.

Category: About our Book and Writing

Taking Care

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My dad is the last of our parents still surviving. He will  turn 98 in November. He is in assisted living and I visit on the same days every week. Consistency is important. Crystal comes with me about once a week. The girls visit whenever they can. Visiting him has apparently led to a new topic of conversation between our daughters. When our time comes, it has been decided that Lisa will get Crystal. That makes sense since they talk on the phone for hours every week anyway. Liz will be stuck with me. Michelle, obviously the wisest of the three, will just be available when the others complain.

I do find it interesting that in no scenario do Crystal and I stay together in our approaching old age. We’ll have to see about that. But, if the girls have their way, Liz gets me. Sorry Brad. Liz is smart, organized, very compassionate, and can out stubborn a herd of goats. Crystal insists that Liz reminds her of someone. When I ask who, she just smiles and rolls her eyes. I’m still not sure to whom she was referring. Except for the final trait, she might have meant me. I, however, have never been stubborn a day in my life; and I would fight anyone to the death who said I was.

Liz, however, was born that way. She was also born a daddy’s girl. I remember coming home from a hard day at work ready to crash in my favorite chair only to be greeted at our front door by an adorable two year old wearing her winter coat on backwards (easier to put on that way). She turned her head briefly to her mom and said her two favorite words “Daddy, Out”. Inevitably there was something I thought of that we needed at the store or something for dinner, or just a walk or a couple of pushes on a cold swing. She had me trained.

On rare occasions, her well tolerated manipulations backfired. She had to be around three years old and we had just finished some errands. It was time for a little treat. We stopped at one of my favorite restaurants, Pepe’s Tacos. Picture a classy version of Taco Bell with actually good Mexican food. I can’t remember what I ordered, but I always ordered a side of pickled Jalapenos. I just liked a little extra spice. Unfortunately, Liz loved pickles. She immediately reached for the peppers. I unceremoniously pulled them out of her reach. What followed was at least five minutes of discussion about what Liz insisted were the pickles I was hoarding. Somehow, I was unable to convince her that she wouldn’t like them. Tears were shed. Finally, after I wiped my eyes, I gave in. I cut off the tiniest piece of a pepper I could manage. She quickly popped it into her mouth and chewed. Her face changed in a matter of moments from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat. The little green temptress wound up on the table cloth. And I fed her some chips to sooth her burnt palate.

It was one of those rare teachable moments you get as a parent. When you are a kid, you promise yourself you’ll never say certain things when you are the parent. But temptation was too great. I believe my next sentence began with the phrase ‘maybe next time when I tell you’.

By now I’m certain that with her five perfect children, Liz has more than once, repeated similar shallow words in an attempt to maintain some measure of control and authority. That is just what you do with kids, try to keep them safe, sometimes in spite of themselves.

And someday when Liz and I return to Pepe’s Tacos and I ask for a side of Jalapenos; Liz will take them away and try to explain that they are no good for my ulcer. Who do you think will win that argument?

Spoiler Alert: Next post will contain details of progress on the publication of our memoir. Yes, there has been progress.

The girls visited this weekend. Liz and I enjoyed a couple of Jalapenos. They had no idea why I poised them like this. Can you guess?

 

Category: About Marriage and Family

Grandson Going to College: Part Two

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 Live by the Golden Rule

This is always good advice. In life, there are net givers and net takers. It usually isn’t too difficult to figure out which is which. Hint: the truly happy people give more than they take. Treating others as you want to be treated, generally, takes effort. It’s called going the extra mile. In class it means asking the questions probably half the class wants asked or helping another student. On a date, it means being more concerned about your date’s happiness than your own. It means taking time out to offer words of encouragement, directions, or even a cool drink to someone in need.

I remember one weekend when I was alone in our three person rental at school and the phone rang. It was one of my roommate’s sisters. I didn’t even know my roommate had a sister. She desperately asked for her brother. He was gone for the weekend. I asked if I could help. Apparently, a bat had gotten into her apartment and she was terrified. I got directions and told her I would be there as quickly as I could. I didn’t know her and had never previously confronted a flying rodent; but I knew I had to try. She was cowering in a corner when I got there covered with a blanket. The bat flew directly in front of me and into a window. I wasn’t sure who I was sorrier for the bat or the girl. I borrowed a sheet, caught the bat, and gave it its freedom out the window. It appeared unharmed. The girl was extremely grateful. While I never saw her or the bat again, I am confident, we all benefited from our encounter.

The lesson here is to do good whenever possible, and treat others as you want to be treated. In the end, you lose nothing; build good character, and, eventually, the good will return to you (even if only in a good story).

6.) Don’t do stupid stuff

Oh where do I begin? Where? Where? Where?……..OK, true story, I did some stupid stuff and have been witness to far more……A lot happens in four years where there is stress and young people are testing their newly acquired freedom. Young people, without restriction, think they are immortal and are bound to make poor decisions. I will give you a minor example from my own life.  I thought nothing of giving away my old expired driver’s license to an underclassman so he could get some beer. It wasn’t a month later that he and his whole floor were caught by police having a beer bash in the park. The next morning on the second page of the “Peoria Journal Star” was an article about the event. It named a bunch of my friends as Bradley students (they had shown their student IDs) and ended with ‘and Ron Meinstein and a sixteen year old girl.’ Fortunately, the dean stepped in and nobody got in serious trouble. My mother, however, carried that article proudly in her purse for many years and used it as a conversation starter. So I paid for that one.

In general, much of the trouble on campus was related to various, shall we call them, libations. So my advice, drink responsibly and legally or not at all. No one will pressure you. It’s college not high school. Definitely don’t drink and drive. And finally, just say No to drugs!

Other bad decisions involved driving, inappropriate behaviors, unnecessary chances, etc. I could write a book. Oh wait…I did.

With all that said, some bad decisions will be made. It’s part of learning. So mom and dad, don’t stop praying for them.

7.) How to attract the opposite sex

Don’t shake your heads mom and dad. If you ever want grandkids, and I don’t mean immediately after college, your kids need the right approach.

At this point, I know some young people reading this are saying, finally the good stuff. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t proclaim any expertise on the subject, but I learned some things which might be encouraging.

When I started college, I was somewhat awkward and even a little shy. I had some bad experiences in high school and a poor self image. College was different. You are surrounded by young people who weren’t in some of the stupid high school clicks, more serious people, people with goals. Conversations were easy to start, what classes, what major, how’s that teacher, where are you staying, how is it, how are you doing, what are your plans for the future, etc.

My secret to attracting the opposite sex is…..drum roll please….be yourself. I know that was a little anticlimactic. The right people will be drawn to you for who you are, not who you are trying to be. In high school, I was silly, geeky and awkward. In college, I was witty, friendly and responsible. I never felt as if I had changed. I was just myself with a fresh start in a better environment. Also, don’t forget the golden rule. You will get a reputation in college; make it a good one.

Once you have enough nerve to ask, dating is easy. There are always safe activities to do on campus. There are lectures, plays, movies, sports, groups to join, concerts, etc. Often they don’t cost a lot. To maximize your college experience and meet people, get involved, and plan (see above) your activities. Invite someone you met in the library. That’s right, the library. You will do fine with the opposite sex. And, along the way, you will meet some amazing people who share your interests.

There are also groups to join. Crystal and I joined APO, a service fraternity originated from the Boy Scouts. Young men and women working together on community work projects, not to mention playing sports and week-end parties. The number of groups to choose from seems almost limitless. Be careful though not to choose one which requires too great a time commitment. In APO all activities were voluntary.

One final point on dating is always being respectful and caring. Remember the Golden Rule (worth repeating).

8.) Always remember the end game

End game is a funny term. During my tumultuous college years, I met one young man I will never forget. His name was David. I honestly can’t remember how we met. However, I could tell David was struggling. He was seeking God’s will for his life. At the time, I thought he was a little odd and I didn’t understand what that meant. He was obviously lonely. Without taking time to further assess his situation, I told him he should come to our fraternity party. There would be lots of great guys, girls and beer. That’s where I was at the time. I don’t know whether he attended. It was a few weeks later that I found out that David had killed himself. The stress was too much for him. To this day, I regret not doing more. David’s life shouldn’t have been for nothing. Maybe if you are reading this you will know to do more. Suicides are not uncommon in college. If you meet a person you feel is at risk, tell someone of authority like a teacher or counselor. If you have such thoughts, tell someone. Suicide is never the answer to what is inevitably a short term problem. I apologies for this detour, but if it helps anyone, it was worth it.

What is the normal end game of college? It’s graduation, right? Yes and no. Graduation is the short term goal. At some point, maybe on graduation day, or shortly after, a scary thought will hit you. I have achieved my goal, now what? Answer: you keep living. Living life the best way you can is the long term goal.

My very smart grandson told me that graduating high school was like a consolation prize. While I appreciate his focus on the future, that view is just wrong. In this country roughly 25% of High School freshmen fail to graduate in four years. I have substitute taught in Jr. High and High School and I see the difference. The peak of immaturity occurs somewhere between 8th and 9th grades. It is highlighted by wet Willies and fart jokes. By senior year, there is a definite difference in focus and manners. High school is not only a time for learning, it’s a critical time for growth and development. So graduating High School represents a great deal more than just getting grades.

Of those graduating High School, less than 70%, will go on to college. The other 30 plus % will go directly into the workplace. Most of the college bound will start in a community college. Less than 60% of college freshmen will graduate within six years.

So let us never take any step as a consolation prize or given. High School graduation represents a significant step forward in life. It also is a key for the next step. In the case of my grandson, that means college. Graduation from college represents another significant step and another key. Subsequent steps include getting a job, or attending Graduate School, getting married, renting an apartment, buying a house, having children, and, in general, just living.

The point is its fine to look toward goals, but realize that there are no shortcuts. Live each day to the fullest (carpe diem, seize the day). Don’t dwell on setbacks, learn from them. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments in life, and never stop planning or trying. In the end, and in all your pursuits, always do the best you can, help others when possible and enjoy the ride. That’s how to attack college and the rest of your life!

And finally a word from our sponsor: Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6, NLT

 

Category: Wisdom and Encouragement

Grandson Going to College: Part One

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A good part of our memoir is dedicated to Crystal and my experiences as baby boomers growing up. We met in college, and the rest so to speak, is history. I have to say, I learned a lot in those few short college years; some of it even in the class rooms.

This fall, our oldest grandson is beginning his college journey. I know he is one of many heading away from home for the first time. It’s an exciting time and a little scary. I have talked to him from time to time and I know his parents have given him good advice. However, writing this blog has given me a chance to organize my thoughts about a number of things, and different times in our lives. Time and experience gives you a little perspective. When I look back now, I realize what would I have wanted to know, what advice would I have wanted to receive before mom and dad abandoned me in that strange foreign land. I have a few thoughts/rules I wish to share.

Just as a warning, this blog got a little wordy, even for me. Therefore, we will break it into two parts. Expect part two in August (just in time for school). I think you will find it worthwhile; especially if you are planning on attending college or have older children.

  • You will meet all types of people. Make them part of your learning experience.

Coming from a basically all white community I found college a fascinating and great change. College is a unique crucible of people roughly the same age with different backgrounds, beliefs, ethnicities and experiences, but one goal; to graduate. I have found that you only need one thing in common with a person to start a conversation, and in some cases, build a relationship. I was lucky to find a core group of friends in college. While we no longer stay in touch regularly, I still know they will always be my friends. Others fell into categories of acquaintances or just fellow students. Still, it was interesting talking to, and getting to know so many different people from so many different backgrounds. My junior year and part of my senior year I stayed in a boarding house just off campus. It was owned by a Scandinavian American who won a gold medal for walking in the 1932 Olympics. During that year others who lived in our house included: two students from Viet Nam, one from Hawaii, two Arabs named Mohamed and Ali (not kidding), an Afro American (we played B-ball together), a Polish Agricultural Scientist (we worked together at the Government lab), and a very country shoe salesman. My college experiences helped me better understand a much larger world. It helped me appreciate my family more. It made me a little better at seeing life from more than my own point of view. That type of empathy can only bode well for your future.

Some of my housemates from Mr. Magnesson’s Boarding house.

  • Keep your eye on the prize. Study always comes first.

This is one admittedly; I wasn’t too good at when I got to Bradley U. I always wanted to study hard and be a model student, but unfortunately often temptation prevailed. “Hey Ron you want to toss a Frisbee? Hey Ron you want to play some ball? Hey Ron let’s play bridge all night. Hey Ron, fill in the blank.” I was too easily distracted. I got better by around my junior year when I found some more secluded study hideouts. When I met Crystal, my senior year, and discovered the study date, I finally peaked. We were immediately good for each other. We both got advice from our fathers. Mine told me to study harder while hers told her to have some fun. We balanced each other. While improving your grades every year, as I did, is a worthy goal, starting out with the right mindset is much more effective and far less stressful. When you learn to get the work done first, there will still be time for fun; and the fun will be more fun.

  • Become a planner.

One of the most vital lessons I developed during four years of college was planning. This goes hand in hand with the previous point. Yes, it should be obvious that you need to plan your studies. By the way, it won’t take you long to figure out that your instructors take it for granted that their class is the most important/only class you are taking.  At some point, you will be overwhelmed. The only way to fight that is through organization and follow-through.

Everyone is different. It may take you a while to know what you need to do to learn and what each professor requires. Each week set up a study schedule and stick to it. You may need to tweak your schedule from time to time, but it will get easier. Next, and this is critical, plan your distractions. All work in college doesn’t just make Jack dull. Half way through your first semester, a man will show up with a straight jacket and take you to the loony bin. You need reasonable breaks. You need a life.

In the end, if you stick it out and graduate, those planning skills you have developed will prove to be among your most important assets in life. You will be a more valuable employee: more independent and effective in your personal life, a better life partner, and in general better capable of handling the complexities of adult life.

Tip from Crystal:

In the 70’s we used a physical calendar.  Your professors will give you or email you a syllabus which is a plan for the whole class including assignments, tests, etc.  Write on the calendar when everything is due.  Also, it was helpful to write a week or several weeks ahead when a paper or major assignment was due. It won’t take you long to figure out how long it takes you to finish an assignment and then you can make a daily study schedule so you will get everything done on time.  Also, get enough sleep.  It has been proven that while we are sleeping, our brain is organizing what we are learning.  This is time management.  Once mastered, college and even life in general will seem easier.

  • Learn how to fail

This is a big one, and probably the single greatest source of anxiety for not just college students, but people of all ages. Sadly, failure is part of life and will be part of your college experience. Failure means different things to different people: whether you actually fail a class or a test, maybe you got a C when you thought you had a B, or you didn’t get the internship you needed.  You got into a fender bender, or that girl you asked out turned you down. Life is full of failures. It’s what you do next that will make the difference.

One quick example should make the point. One of my best friends and I were walking across campus one cold starry fall evening. We had been studying all day and had just taken the big evil Organic Chemistry test. As a hint to how we did, we were talking about dropping out of college and joining the Marines. The next day we both wound up dropping the class. He changed his major from pre-med. to Economics. I retook the class over the summer and aced it. I went on to get a degree in Chemistry and he became an Economics Professor. So when you experience a failure, remember it’s only one of life’s many battles, not the war. You don’t truly fail until you stop trying. Also, remember your plans aren’t always God’s plans. A temporary failure might just set you up for a change of direction that leads to even greater future success.

Winston Churchill was a smart man; he agreed with me:

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

He also said: “Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

From Thomas Edison:

“I failed my way to success.”

 “I have not failed I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

 

Category: Wisdom and Encouragement

Empty Nest, or is It?

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Nobody is perfect, not even me…… (Pause as readers get over shock)…..Often it is easier to find flaws in your spouse before admitting your own (ouch, right). That could explain the high divorce rate. I will therefore tread lightly as I discuss one of Crystal’s, let’s call it, a philosophical aberration.

I am somewhat of a minimalist. Give me a TV, a recliner, and maybe a couple of folding chairs for company and I’m one happy clam. Crystal, on the other hand, tends in a different direction. She likes her stuff. Getting rid of things is psychologically stressful for her. Letting me help declutter is apparently unacceptable. She is however, and to her credit, working on it.

While she has been “working on it” for some time, with only slight tangible results, the results of the last week or so has amazed me. The difference was Keylan’s (oldest grandchild) high school graduation. The plan, of which I had no part, was for Michelle (our middle child) her husband Alex, and our youngest daughter Lisa to spend several nights with us. Of course that meant including our lovely one year old granddaughter Ayla.

I can’t remember Crystal ever being so focused. There was baby proofing to be done, toys to be brought out, and room to be cleared. To my great surprise one of the, what I call junk rooms, suddenly had enough open space for a bed. Keylan and I played musical beds, moving one bed into the newly formed space and another in from the garage. The transformation was nothing short of miraculous.

The weekend was a flurry of activity. Having people and a baby in the house again brought back a lot of memories. I was most surprised at how well Ayla adjusted. She seemed very much at home and even slept through the night. Everyone reportedly slept well. There was once again laughter, playful banter, and a “discussion” over what to watch on TV.

Friday evening we went to the graduation ceremony. It was a little warm on the football stadium bleachers (around 90o F), but tolerable in the shade. Keylan looked sharp and was recognized for his perfect GPA. Liz and Brad (parents) were obviously quite proud. As for Keylan, he didn’t see high school graduation as a significant landmark. His eyes are toward the future. Ohio State University awaits in the fall.

Saturday was the party at Liz’s house. I had prepared the side dishes for which Crystal had volunteered me and was supposed to “help” with the grilling. Crystal and Lisa took a while to get ready and I thought I might get out of the “helping” to grill. I am sure it was just a coincidence that the first burgers hit the grill at exactly the time of our arrival. We ate about an hour later. I smelled like sweat and charcoal. No one told me that the two bags of marinating chicken were different, so they wound up on the same plate. Brad was an excellent assistant. I know he was only doing what he was told by his evil wife, my “loving” daughter, Liz.

The party was a big hit. Everyone loved the food. There were an abundance of children and babies running around and parents visiting. Keylan spent much of the time on the porch with his friends.

After another good night, and a final walk to the park, Michelle, Alex and Ayla left for their Kentucky home. Lisa decided to stay an extra day and steal one of our cars to get home. She stayed to watch the Memorial Day parade, which passed a couple of blocks from our house.

Now, the house is once again an empty nest. I’m not complaining. Crystal and I get along quite well. I’m also certain that this wasn’t the last time our house will serve our extended family.

Furthermore, I’m contemplating inviting the cast of the play “Little Women” to spend a night in our home. Think of all the rooms that will need to be cleared for that!

Crystal’s Corner

Last weekend was a milestone for us in many ways.  Keylan is our first grandchild to graduate from high school.  He has been attending college classes all this past year at the OSU in Newark, Ohio.  Also, I have been working really hard at decluttering, reorganizing and some redecorating.  I actually have been seeing a counselor to help me with my Dad’s passing and also decluttering and empty nest.  I am an artist, writer, crafts person, crafts teacher, lecturer and quilter and if you are any of those things you know you have books, craft paper, paints, yarn, fabric, etc.  I also collect and make dolls.

I have gone through a lot of paperwork, most of which is being recycled.  I have found some valuables such as Elizabeth’s footprint when she was born in Illinois, the girls’ art work, letters from relatives and friends, old photos, etc.  I am getting much better at letting go of items that I won’t use and organizing items I want to keep.  The girls are amazed and very encouraging about the progress I have made even before this weekend.  The counselor has helped me to focus on one area at a time, and to deal emotionally with letting go of the girls and the stuff.  If you have a situation like this, there is hope.

And a good time was had by all.

 

Category: About Marriage and Family

Remember When

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Like most married couples, Crystal and I have been through a lot in our marriage. Over forty years we have loved and laughed, fought and cried, raised kids, and done for family. Now that our nest is empty it’s just the two of us again.

Last week we went on a short but quite pleasant get away to Savannah, Georgia and Charleston, South Carolina. The old south came alive for us. Between the old world architecture, civil war statues, forts, and cemeteries with trees dripping with Spanish moss and ferns, it made me think of “Gone with the Wind”. The pace was also so pleasantly slow. And don’t get me started on the food. I’m afraid I’ll drool on my keyboard thinking about it. OK, just for one example, I had a blackened fish sandwich that was so mild and juicy it was difficult to eat. It was the catch of the day. Outside the restaurant was a small pier where the boat delivers the freshly caught fish and the table where they were cleaned. As we ate, we even caught a glimpse of some dolphins playing nearby.

We haven’t gone on many vacations lately so this was a special time for us. I couldn’t help but remember times early in our marriage. Our honeymoon in Arizona was Crystal’s first plane flight. On the other hand, I had flown numerous times, including three trips to Europe. It is common that people who only start using air transportation later in life suffer from fear of flying or Aerophobia. Crystal, on the other hand, had and has always had the far less common phobia for airports. O’Hare in Chicago, at the time the busiest airport in the world, was probably a bad first choice; with people everywhere darting to and fro in a multi-cultural mass of humanity. To make matters worse, at times I had to leave her. I placed her in a chair while I got tickets, checked luggage, got seating assignments, etc. She did as she was told though she resembled a deer in headlights. Once through the, at the time, far less stringent security, I got her a nice fruity drink. She finally calmed down for the flight. Of course, eventually we landed in Tucson. The drink had long since worn off and the terror returned. Again, I had to leave to get our rental car. I left her surrounded/ buried with our luggage. She looked like a nervous prairie dog looking out of her hole expecting to see a hawk. When I finally returned, I grabbed her hand and took her to the window. We had left an ice storm in Chicago. It was now eighty degrees and sunny. The cactuses were in bloom. She finally relaxed.

The point is that, regardless of her deep seeded fears, Crystal’s trust in me has always exceeded it. This trip, some forty years after that first one, we were in three airports each way with transfers in Atlanta. While the fear is still not totally gone, I can tell that if anything Crystal’s trust in me has grown. Even when temporarily lost, while looking for our hotel (another of Crystal’s fears) she was perfectly calm and confident. When I told her it would be alright, she believed me.

We both really relaxed and were at peace for a few days. Crystal was healthy and walking everywhere. Somehow I believe that this was God’s way of reminding us why we were together in the first place. Once all of life’s responsibilities and distractions are removed, and it’s just the two of us, everything makes sense.

From a marriage point of view the lesson, of course, is never stop taking time out to be just a couple. Whether it’s a nice vacation, a weekly date or a walk to the park, if you are not making an effort, you are missing out. I firmly believe that, if you are not growing together, you will grow apart.

Ahhh Savannah.

Category: Make Marriage Last

40 Years

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It’s been 2 score, double life sentences (no chance of parole), 0.4 centuries, 3 daughters, 6 grand children, 4 states, and uncountable opportunities (challenges/problems) since Crystal and I tied the proverbial knot. That’s right, on April 1st of 2018 we had another April fool’s day, and Easter (praise God), but my most important reason for celebration, to assure any future earthly happiness, was Crystal and my 40th wedding anniversary. My mother, Mimi, had a saying to describe a long period of time in German, that pigs don’t live that long. I guess it sounded better in German.

As I write this blog, it is my truest desire to come up with some words or a formula that will help people live better lives, and maybe even give a boost to the institution of marriage. I guess that’s one reason Crystal and I wrote our memoir. Just as a reminder, our memoir’s name “150 Years of Marriage” was coined in anticipation. Since we started by interviewing Mary Jane Carlson, who died in 2006, I know that our three couples total hadn’t yet hit 140 years. Since my mom’s death in 2012, only Crystal and I can add to the total. As of April 1st 2018 our three couples are at 159 years. By the time we are published maybe we should change the name. Think of it, in just another 41 years, “200 Years of Marriage”……..OK, maybe not.

Dad is now 97. I see him frequently. When I do, we will inevitably take a quiet drive along the Scioto River. This river drive is no secret. On a nice day there is a flurry of activity. There are walkers, runners, and people fishing. There are bike riders, and skate boarders, people walking dogs and pushing baby carriages. There are also boats on the water and occasionally we see the OSU sculling teams working out.

Water fowl are also frequently around in abundance. Occasionally, we will see gray or blue heron. But, more frequently, there are seagulls, ducks and Canadian geese. Most often, the ducks and geese are in fairly large groups. But what I find interesting is that you rarely see them by themselves. Often they are in matched pairs. I am given to understand that they generally mate for life. They share responsibilities such as finding food or raising families. They fly together and swim together. Oh, their bonding isn’t perfect. Male geese are well known philanderers. Sometimes their honking seems akin to a squabbling couple. But they generally stay together until one dies. I sometimes wonder if they were put here as an example for us. Crystal has, on occasion, called me a silly goose.

What is the difference between a marriage lasting 4 years and 40 years? Three things: choosing well, commitment, and a lot of luck! I guess Crystal and I have all three. Crystal will tell you that we were brought together by God. While I don’t disagree, you would think God’s plan would have moved a little smoother. Between job changes, multiple moves, serious health problems, family issues, etc., etc. etc., you have to wonder. But maybe that’s part of it. We haven’t had a perfect marriage. I don’t know if that exists. However, looking back, when the “opportunities” were presented, we closed ranks and worked together. I would even say they may have brought us closer together.

Today, when we sit on the couch and watch “Monk” or some other, as our kids would say, corny show, Crystal will periodically reach over to hold my hand. I guess that’s plenty corny too. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s kind of cool. When I think about the number, 40 years seems like an impossible amount of time. But when I reach back for Crystal’s hand, it’s like no time has passed. I can remember being twenty-something and falling in love with the girl I was supposed to be with. Maybe God got it right after all.

 

HAPPY 40TH Crystal!

 

Crystal’s Corner

Yesterday, April 1, 2018, Easter Sunday, was our 40th wedding Anniversary.  It was a bright warm sunny day like our wedding day. Of course last night it snowed. Forty years ago, on the first day of our honeymoon, we had to scrape the ice off of our car in Chicago. In so many ways, it doesn’t seem like 40 years, four decades, but it has been a long journey.

We got together with all of our daughters and their families and Ron’s Dad at a Greek Restaurant in Columbus.  It occurred to me as I looked around the long table, that none of these people would be here, if Ron and I hadn’t gotten married 40 years ago.

In our memoir, 150 Years of Marriage, we talk about when we met, dated, got engaged and married.  We also talk about our childhoods and our parents’ courtships and marriages.

I can remember very clearly our time at Bradley University, our engagement, planning the wedding, our wedding day, and our honeymoon in Arizona.

I also can remember living in our studio apartment for several months before we moved to a two bedroom apartment.  We entertained our family and friends in that little one room apartment and enjoyed every minute of it.  Nobody seemed to mind sitting on folding chairs, our small couch, or the bed to eat with us in that small space.

We moved seven times during our marriage.  We have lived in two apartments, a townhouse, and four houses in four states.  We are the best packers you have ever met.

Both Ron and I are cancer survivors.  I have had more than 10 surgeries including three C-Sections.  So actually, still being together, and in somewhat good health is kind of a miracle.

We are so grateful to God for our marriage, our wonderful family, our sense of humor and our deep abiding love for each other.

We know we wouldn’t have survived all of our difficulties and changes without God’s help.  Wherever we have lived, we have been sent to a church family, who helped us.  We have found wonderful friends and neighbors and kindred spirits.

We also have had a very close relationship with our parents and families the whole time.  We travelled often on holidays to get together, and now our girls travel to see family often.

You know you have succeeded as a parent when your grown children are hardworking, responsible, kind, loving and caring individuals.  We have also been blessed by two very special and loving son-in-laws.

We have six unique and terrific grandchildren that we cherish and enjoy.

At our table yesterday we had Ron’s Dad who is 97 years young, and our two youngest granddaughters who just turned one, and many ages in-between.   Four generations celebrating our Savior Jesus and our 40th Anniversary.  I don’t think life gets any better that this.

Even though life has thrown a lot of curve balls at us, every day I am happy to be Mrs. Crystal Meinstein and to see Ron smiling at me.

Our fortieth, the ducks are just sleeping on the Scioto. Both pictures taken April 1st 2018.

 

Category: About Marriage and Family, Past, Present and Future

Riding Henry

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I still remember the first time I got on Henry’s back. He was a bright shiny new blue two wheeler bicycle with classic balloon tires. My feet barely hit the peddles. But it was OK; the training wheels would keep me safe. As I recall, they weren’t on too long. Between my dad and one of my friends, I was free of them in no time. Furthermore, I was free to roam. In those days (1960s) Oak Lawn was a safe community. As long as I told mom where I was going, I just needed to be back by dinner. The few little detours, I took were better kept secret. I was particularly fond of the prairie near Stony Creek. It was there I invented BMX biking. That’s right! It was me! My course had ramps for jumping, sharp curves, hills and valleys, and even a water hazard (Stony Creek) to be jumped. I never got credit for the sport because I couldn’t tell anyone.

Mom knew better than to press me on the bumps and bruises. I did my best to maintain Henry. Bending the metal was easy with dad’s pliers. The broken spokes were a different story. Still, Henry always got me wherever I needed to go. I went all over within about a mile and a half radius. The pet store was one of my favorite stops. About a mile from my home, in addition to a wonderful selection of fascinating animals, it also had the best local assortment of penny candy in the area. Whenever I could scrape together a quarter, I was off to the pet store.

In the spring of 1967, I was riding Henry back from a Scout meeting, when a tornado hit Oak Lawn.  There is a chapter in our book dedicated to the ordeal. To make a long story short, I was fine, but Henry got a few more bruises. It was shortly thereafter that Henry retired as his replacement arrived. By a strange coincidence he was named Henry too. He looked nothing like his predecessor. Henry II was a sleek red 10 speed road bike with ultra thin tires. He was built for speed. I once got him up to 40 mph on level ground. However, he didn’t like my course at Stony Creek. I can’t remember a time when the front wheel rim wasn’t bent. He still rode just fine.

Henry II allowed me to extend my biking radius. Several times a summer I would ride out to the Forest Preserves about five miles from home. I always love the forest. Once, my mom accompanied me. I couldn’t understand why she had so much trouble with the hills; or why she complained about soreness the next day…..Now I get it.

My biggest adventure with Henry came during the summer of my 16th year. My friend, Mark, and I took a fifty-four mile trip (one way) to Starved Rock State Park in Kankakee, IL. I learned a lot on that trip. During the first mile and a half, I learned that riding with a full knap sack on your back is not a good idea. The extra weight and racing seat reminded me, in an extremely uncomfortable way, of my manhood. Fortunately, the knap sack strapped nicely to the rack on the back of the bike. Secondly, as we passed our first multiday old road kill, we realized what we had been missing all those years as we quickly passed in a car. Thirdly, was that wet brakes don’t work. I slid into a car on my way home.

Finally, I learned what I had seen, but missed my whole life. As we went on our route of back roads and former major thoroughfares, state routes, and county roads, the world appeared somehow different. Our journey took us through seemingly endless corn and soy bean fields and through meadows, pastureland and groves of trees. It gave us a renewed feeling of appreciation for how truly great this country really was. We stopped at a somewhat dilapidated truck stop for lunch. The concrete and asphalt was all cracked and the building itself in desperate need of repairs and paint. To us, however, it was an oasis. As we enjoyed our burgers, we talked to the waitress. She was impressed with our adventure. She told us about how this diner had once, before the interstate, been a Mecca for truckers.

The rest of the journey was fairly uneventful. The last few miles seemed to take forever. I still remember our relief when we finally entered the park. We paid the two dollars for the camp site, pitched our tent, and gathered firewood. Mark’s parents and my mom drove down to meet us for dinner (I cooked). Then they drove back and we spent the next day exploring and rock climbing above the Illinois River.

After a second night of camping, it was time for our return trip. We set a fast pace, covering the first 21 miles in an hour. The trip to the park had taken around five hours. We made it back in just three. It pays to have a few adventures as you grow up.

I kept Henry II through our marriage. As the girls grew, we would ride together. He went with us as we moved from Illinois to Michigan to Indiana and finally here in Ohio. His front wheel was still bent and at best half of his gears worked. Over the years, I rode him on average maybe once or twice a summer, but never far. One day, a couple of years ago, an older man with  ragged clothes and a scraggly beard was passing by and noticed him in the garage. We talked for a while. I asked him if he wanted Henry II. He seemed thrilled. While I never saw the man again, I like to think Henry II is still being ridden around somewhere.

Mark and me at Starved Rock

Category: Just for Fun Stories

Me Too – The Ultimate Solution

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Like most responsible Americans, Crystal and I have been appalled at all of the recent news about sexual abuse in the media. It seems to have crossed all lines of society, from media, to film, to sports, to business, etc., etc., etc. While it is good that the problem is finally coming into the light, we are currently treating only the symptoms, but not the cause. Accusations are being made, laws are in place, and punishments are being generated. Abusers are losing jobs, being fined, and prison for some. However is punishment enough?

Murder is against the law. Yet murders still happen every day. We need laws as a deterrent, of that I have no doubt. But how much better would the world be if people just knew murder was never justified and lived without ever considering it a possibility?

Call it brainwashing if you wish, but I believe it works. Our oldest daughter Elizabeth will tell you that she thought every child had to go to college. She was in high school before she heard otherwise. She was shocked and disappointed for her classmates who talked about dropping out. Crystal and I had always told her and her sisters what would happen “WHEN” they went to college. It would be a great adventure and give them many possibilities for their futures.

Similarly, I believe the best solution to today’s harassment problems lies in the homes. As I grew up, our home wasn’t perfect. There were disagreements, and arguments, some at elevated volumes. However, my dad still opened doors for my mom. I also do not recall him ever raising his hand to my mom. I was told to always respect my elders and all women.

Crystal will tell you that the first time she noticed me at a fraternity function, I was with another woman. I got her punch, opened her door, and helped her onto the wagon (it was a hay ride). I learned respect at home. I never considered any other way.

I recently had the privilege of taking my eldest grandson around to visit different colleges. We talked about a lot of different things as we drove. One topic was women. High school is an awkward and confusing time. I know when I went; I didn’t understand girls at all. My sophomore year, one girl said something mean to me, and I was pretty much done with them through high school. I stuck to games, movies and sports.

Today, after being married for nearly forty years and helping raise three daughters, I understand a little more about the female of the species. My advice to my grandson was simple. Always treat women with respect; no means no; never do anything a woman doesn’t want you to do. I also assured him that the right girls will want to be with him for who he is: no games necessary.

Getting back to our original problem, the answer is simple. Raising children is a privilege and an awesome responsibility. A strong marriage is the first step. It all comes back to building marriages on the basis of mutual respect. Your sons and daughters will learn from what you say and even more from your example. Learning how to love, and not abuse, starts in the home. Problem solved; ‘me too’ no more!

Crystal’s Corner:

I am glad that Ron wrote this blog and I agree with him; what happens to children at home is very important.  It seems like we are in the middle of a revolution; and especially women, are finding their power.  I think this has been a long time coming. I am very glad that women are speaking out about abuse.  There is power in numbers and there is power in the truth.  In the Bible it says “The truth will set you free.”  This is true for the victim as well as the criminal.  I am glad that at least some of the men who committed these crimes have admitted them and show remorse for them.  The ones who are continuing to lie about their behavior are revictimizing the victim and digging themselves a deep hole.  I liked it when the judge in the case in Michigan against the doctor said that all of those women, who testified against him, are survivors.  Hopefully, their testimony and all the women who are now standing up against their attackers will change the world.  We need a safer more respectful world for our children and grandchildren to live in. I do believe that women will not put up with the abuse and lack of respect from anyone now and in the future.  One thing I would add as a parent and a grandparent is to tell your children that no one has the right to hurt them in any way, either physically or verbally, and that they need to tell someone what happened as soon as possible.

Taken last Easter. These are all of my girls. Hopefully the babies will never hear of “me too”.

Category: About Marriage and Family
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