Marriage Memoir by Ron and Crystal Meinstein

My dad is the last of our parents still surviving. He will  turn 98 in November. He is in assisted living and I visit on the same days every week. Consistency is important. Crystal comes with me about once a week. The girls visit whenever they can. Visiting him has apparently led to a new topic of conversation between our daughters. When our time comes, it has been decided that Lisa will get Crystal. That makes sense since they talk on the phone for hours every week anyway. Liz will be stuck with me. Michelle, obviously the wisest of the three, will just be available when the others complain.

I do find it interesting that in no scenario do Crystal and I stay together in our approaching old age. We’ll have to see about that. But, if the girls have their way, Liz gets me. Sorry Brad. Liz is smart, organized, very compassionate, and can out stubborn a herd of goats. Crystal insists that Liz reminds her of someone. When I ask who, she just smiles and rolls her eyes. I’m still not sure to whom she was referring. Except for the final trait, she might have meant me. I, however, have never been stubborn a day in my life; and I would fight anyone to the death who said I was.

Liz, however, was born that way. She was also born a daddy’s girl. I remember coming home from a hard day at work ready to crash in my favorite chair only to be greeted at our front door by an adorable two year old wearing her winter coat on backwards (easier to put on that way). She turned her head briefly to her mom and said her two favorite words “Daddy, Out”. Inevitably there was something I thought of that we needed at the store or something for dinner, or just a walk or a couple of pushes on a cold swing. She had me trained.

On rare occasions, her well tolerated manipulations backfired. She had to be around three years old and we had just finished some errands. It was time for a little treat. We stopped at one of my favorite restaurants, Pepe’s Tacos. Picture a classy version of Taco Bell with actually good Mexican food. I can’t remember what I ordered, but I always ordered a side of pickled Jalapenos. I just liked a little extra spice. Unfortunately, Liz loved pickles. She immediately reached for the peppers. I unceremoniously pulled them out of her reach. What followed was at least five minutes of discussion about what Liz insisted were the pickles I was hoarding. Somehow, I was unable to convince her that she wouldn’t like them. Tears were shed. Finally, after I wiped my eyes, I gave in. I cut off the tiniest piece of a pepper I could manage. She quickly popped it into her mouth and chewed. Her face changed in a matter of moments from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat. The little green temptress wound up on the table cloth. And I fed her some chips to sooth her burnt palate.

It was one of those rare teachable moments you get as a parent. When you are a kid, you promise yourself you’ll never say certain things when you are the parent. But temptation was too great. I believe my next sentence began with the phrase ‘maybe next time when I tell you’.

By now I’m certain that with her five perfect children, Liz has more than once, repeated similar shallow words in an attempt to maintain some measure of control and authority. That is just what you do with kids, try to keep them safe, sometimes in spite of themselves.

And someday when Liz and I return to Pepe’s Tacos and I ask for a side of Jalapenos; Liz will take them away and try to explain that they are no good for my ulcer. Who do you think will win that argument?

Spoiler Alert: Next post will contain details of progress on the publication of our memoir. Yes, there has been progress.

The girls visited this weekend. Liz and I enjoyed a couple of Jalapenos. They had no idea why I poised them like this. Can you guess?

Nobody is perfect, not even me…… (Pause as readers get over shock)…..Often it is easier to find flaws in your spouse before admitting your own (ouch, right). That could explain the high divorce rate. I will therefore tread lightly as I discuss one of Crystal’s, let’s call it, a philosophical aberration.

I am somewhat of a minimalist. Give me a TV, a recliner, and maybe a couple of folding chairs for company and I’m one happy clam. Crystal, on the other hand, tends in a different direction. She likes her stuff. Getting rid of things is psychologically stressful for her. Letting me help declutter is apparently unacceptable. She is however, and to her credit, working on it.

While she has been “working on it” for some time, with only slight tangible results, the results of the last week or so has amazed me. The difference was Keylan’s (oldest grandchild) high school graduation. The plan, of which I had no part, was for Michelle (our middle child) her husband Alex, and our youngest daughter Lisa to spend several nights with us. Of course that meant including our lovely one year old granddaughter Ayla.

I can’t remember Crystal ever being so focused. There was baby proofing to be done, toys to be brought out, and room to be cleared. To my great surprise one of the, what I call junk rooms, suddenly had enough open space for a bed. Keylan and I played musical beds, moving one bed into the newly formed space and another in from the garage. The transformation was nothing short of miraculous.

The weekend was a flurry of activity. Having people and a baby in the house again brought back a lot of memories. I was most surprised at how well Ayla adjusted. She seemed very much at home and even slept through the night. Everyone reportedly slept well. There was once again laughter, playful banter, and a “discussion” over what to watch on TV.

Friday evening we went to the graduation ceremony. It was a little warm on the football stadium bleachers (around 90^o F), but tolerable in the shade. Keylan looked sharp and was recognized for his perfect GPA. Liz and Brad (parents) were obviously quite proud. As for Keylan, he didn’t see high school graduation as a significant landmark. His eyes are toward the future. Ohio State University awaits in the fall.

Saturday was the party at Liz’s house. I had prepared the side dishes for which Crystal had volunteered me and was supposed to “help” with the grilling. Crystal and Lisa took a while to get ready and I thought I might get out of the “helping” to grill. I am sure it was just a coincidence that the first burgers hit the grill at exactly the time of our arrival. We ate about an hour later. I smelled like sweat and charcoal. No one told me that the two bags of marinating chicken were different, so they wound up on the same plate. Brad was an excellent assistant. I know he was only doing what he was told by his evil wife, my “loving” daughter, Liz.

The party was a big hit. Everyone loved the food. There were an abundance of children and babies running around and parents visiting. Keylan spent much of the time on the porch with his friends.

After another good night, and a final walk to the park, Michelle, Alex and Ayla left for their Kentucky home. Lisa decided to stay an extra day and steal one of our cars to get home. She stayed to watch the Memorial Day parade, which passed a couple of blocks from our house.

Now, the house is once again an empty nest. I’m not complaining. Crystal and I get along quite well. I’m also certain that this wasn’t the last time our house will serve our extended family.

Furthermore, I’m contemplating inviting the cast of the play “Little Women” to spend a night in our home. Think of all the rooms that will need to be cleared for that!

Crystal’s Corner

Last weekend was a milestone for us in many ways.  Keylan is our first grandchild to graduate from high school.  He has been attending college classes all this past year at the OSU in Newark, Ohio.  Also, I have been working really hard at decluttering, reorganizing and some redecorating.  I actually have been seeing a counselor to help me with my Dad’s passing and also decluttering and empty nest.  I am an artist, writer, crafts person, crafts teacher, lecturer and quilter and if you are any of those things you know you have books, craft paper, paints, yarn, fabric, etc.  I also collect and make dolls.

I have gone through a lot of paperwork, most of which is being recycled.  I have found some valuables such as Elizabeth’s footprint when she was born in Illinois, the girls’ art work, letters from relatives and friends, old photos, etc.  I am getting much better at letting go of items that I won’t use and organizing items I want to keep.  The girls are amazed and very encouraging about the progress I have made even before this weekend.  The counselor has helped me to focus on one area at a time, and to deal emotionally with letting go of the girls and the stuff.  If you have a situation like this, there is hope.

And a good time was had by all.

Like most responsible Americans, Crystal and I have been appalled at all of the recent news about sexual abuse in the media. It seems to have crossed all lines of society, from media, to film, to sports, to business, etc., etc., etc. While it is good that the problem is finally coming into the light, we are currently treating only the symptoms, but not the cause. Accusations are being made, laws are in place, and punishments are being generated. Abusers are losing jobs, being fined, and prison for some. However is punishment enough?

Murder is against the law. Yet murders still happen every day. We need laws as a deterrent, of that I have no doubt. But how much better would the world be if people just knew murder was never justified and lived without ever considering it a possibility?

Call it brainwashing if you wish, but I believe it works. Our oldest daughter Elizabeth will tell you that she thought every child had to go to college. She was in high school before she heard otherwise. She was shocked and disappointed for her classmates who talked about dropping out. Crystal and I had always told her and her sisters what would happen “WHEN” they went to college. It would be a great adventure and give them many possibilities for their futures.

Similarly, I believe the best solution to today’s harassment problems lies in the homes. As I grew up, our home wasn’t perfect. There were disagreements, and arguments, some at elevated volumes. However, my dad still opened doors for my mom. I also do not recall him ever raising his hand to my mom. I was told to always respect my elders and all women.

Crystal will tell you that the first time she noticed me at a fraternity function, I was with another woman. I got her punch, opened her door, and helped her onto the wagon (it was a hay ride). I learned respect at home. I never considered any other way.

I recently had the privilege of taking my eldest grandson around to visit different colleges. We talked about a lot of different things as we drove. One topic was women. High school is an awkward and confusing time. I know when I went; I didn’t understand girls at all. My sophomore year, one girl said something mean to me, and I was pretty much done with them through high school. I stuck to games, movies and sports.

Today, after being married for nearly forty years and helping raise three daughters, I understand a little more about the female of the species. My advice to my grandson was simple. Always treat women with respect; no means no; never do anything a woman doesn’t want you to do. I also assured him that the right girls will want to be with him for who he is: no games necessary.

Getting back to our original problem, the answer is simple. Raising children is a privilege and an awesome responsibility. A strong marriage is the first step. It all comes back to building marriages on the basis of mutual respect. Your sons and daughters will learn from what you say and even more from your example. Learning how to love, and not abuse, starts in the home. Problem solved; ‘me too’ no more!

Crystal’s Corner:

I am glad that Ron wrote this blog and I agree with him; what happens to children at home is very important.  It seems like we are in the middle of a revolution; and especially women, are finding their power.  I think this has been a long time coming. I am very glad that women are speaking out about abuse.  There is power in numbers and there is power in the truth.  In the Bible it says “The truth will set you free.”  This is true for the victim as well as the criminal.  I am glad that at least some of the men who committed these crimes have admitted them and show remorse for them.  The ones who are continuing to lie about their behavior are revictimizing the victim and digging themselves a deep hole.  I liked it when the judge in the case in Michigan against the doctor said that all of those women, who testified against him, are survivors.  Hopefully, their testimony and all the women who are now standing up against their attackers will change the world.  We need a safer more respectful world for our children and grandchildren to live in. I do believe that women will not put up with the abuse and lack of respect from anyone now and in the future.  One thing I would add as a parent and a grandparent is to tell your children that no one has the right to hurt them in any way, either physically or verbally, and that they need to tell someone what happened as soon as possible.

Taken last Easter. These are all of my girls. Hopefully the babies will never hear of “me too”.

It’s been unusually quiet around our house for the last several days. Crystal has laryngitis. Normally, she has a lot to say to me each day.   Even now, her affliction won’t stop her from trying. I frequently have to mute the TV to hear my muted wife. Either that, or she picks up her tiny block of paper and we play a spirited game of ‘what’s that word’. This game has no winners, but generally leads to both laughter and coughing.

A visit to the Doctor a couple of days ago revealed that Crystal has bronchitis with a possible touch of pneumonia, in addition to the laryngitis. To add insult to injury, he told Crystal that the medicines might not help the laryngitis. She should try not talking for a few days (try is the operative word). Even our normally straight laced Doctor couldn’t help but joke about how difficult any limit on talking would be for most women. Happy New Year!!!

However, it made me think about our wedding vows. Like most guys, I remember saying whatever I was told, while thinking “ just a few hours until the honeymoon”. Just kidding (kind of)! But the truth is if I thought seriously about what those words, ‘sickness and health’ meant, I might have been a little more anxious about the whole marriage decision. Seriously, being normally healthy myself, I had no clue about what was to come.

I won’t bother with details about our health struggles except to say we are both cancer survivors. Mine, being linked to chemical exposure, forced a change in career paths. While I loved working in my chosen field of chemistry, I purposely avoided lab positions for about a twenty year period. This decision led to a number of career changes with all of the associated challenges.

Of the two of us, Crystal has had  more health issues over the years. However, I had some idea what I was signing up for. About a week before our wedding, I believe it was Easter Sunday; I got a call from Crystal’s dad. Crystal had been hospitalized for extreme abdominal pains. During that week, I visited as often as I could. When she was finally feeling better, there was talk about postponing the wedding. I immediately knew that was wrong. I gave Crystal one of the very few ultimatums I would ever give. I didn’t care who was present, Doctors, parents, etc. I shut that talk down. I told her we would be married on Saturday. I left the decision of whether that would be in a church or in the hospital up to her. I would make it happen. To make a long story short, that was what she needed to hear. We were married in the church followed by a reception, and the following day, our honeymoon started in Arizona.

The point of this article is simple. In life, bad stuff is going to happen. The wedding vows make that clear: sickness, bad times, poorer, and eventually death. You can choose to go through life independently or with someone. When you make the decision to get married, it’s no longer my problems, but our problems. But it’s also a chance to serve and be served; to support and be supported. Why else are we really here?

Marriage is a decision to be made with eyes wide open. But I will tell you this. On April 1^st  this year, Crystal and I will be married 40 years. When I look back, I find it more difficult to remember the ‘sickness’ than all of the good times we have experienced together.

Crystal’s Corner:

I have not had laryngitis as bad as this case in the past.  I hope that I get my voice back soon.  Ron is having way too much fun with this.  We are doing a comedy act of combining charades and him trying to read my writing.  But we are still communicating which is so important in marriage.  When I got very sick before our wedding and had to be hospitalized, it was very scary.  My parents took me to the hospital early in the morning and my dad waited to call Ron to tell him what was going on.  When he came, I was on a cart in the Emergency room.  I guess my facial expression changed when I saw him because the nurses said “This is the fiancé.”  I just knew I wanted him there with me to help get me through this horrible situation.  I had been sick for months and had seen the Dr. but the Dr. told me I just had a nervous stomach because I was getting married. Actually, I had a serious disease.  Ron, being an only child, coming from a very healthy family, had not experienced the medical world like I had growing up.  The really good thing was that we fought my illnesses and his illnesses together and with the help of God and many praying people.  It has been quite a journey, but it also shows that God brought us together for a reason and helped us to keep getting stronger in our marriage and commitment.  Ron is taking good care of me even though his teasing has gotten worse since I can’t talk.  This wasn’t the way I wanted to start the New Year, but I am glad we are enjoying our life together no matter what happens.

Three pregnancies and births counted as sickness (nausea, vomiting, pain, imbalance, emotional instability, etc.)  in my book as well. However, I believe in those cases the ends definitely justified the means. I also like to think I helped.

Jack says to his fiancée, ‘nice dress Jill.’ What he is really thinking is, ‘Wow Jill’s a real hotty life is goood’. Jill looks longingly into Jack’s eyes and says ‘thanks, I’m so glad you like it’. What she is really thinking is, ‘I wonder if our children will have his deep soulful eyes.’ Not wanting to escalate the situation Jill adds, ‘we better go up the hill to get that pail of water for your mom’s fish tank’…..The rest is history.

That’s how it starts. You get some water then fall head over heels. There is little you can do with what follows. I’m a guy, so by definition, a little bit dense. Somehow I never saw it coming. I grew up with very limited family. There was mom, dad and me. On rare occasions, we would go to New York, Florida, or Europe and visit other relatives. When I met Crystal, I couldn’t even keep all of her relatives straight. At family functions, I would stealthily ask, ‘now who’s that again?’ Crystal would say something like, ‘Oh that’s my third cousin Leopold on Aunt Martha’s side, and that’s his girl friend, Sally.’ That would usually be good enough until I met a couple more people or slept.

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think this could ever happen to me. Oh, Crystal and I talked about how many kids we would have, even before we were married. She said four and I grudgingly went with two (although I knew one was the perfect number). The funny thing is that, none of those iron clad guesses meant anything, as the years rolled by. Once we started trying, the rest was kind of up to God. He apparently thought three was a good number.

The way things turned out, I was OK with that and so was Crystal. The part I didn’t anticipate was that the girls would decide to make more people. Also, there are in-laws and friends. Even the grandkids have friends. Who could have predicted such a predicament? Again, I am overwhelmed by abundance.

Please don’t think I am complaining. In fact, in some ways I find our daughters absolutely amusing. Our two oldest daughters, at one point, like most youths, thought they had everything figured out. They could do this parenting thing better. Now they say things like ‘I don’t know how you did it.’ Or they call and ask our sage advice. Michelle, who just had her first child, some four months ago, asked, “when does this fear of bad things happening to your kid go away”.  I told her, I would let her know if, and when it happens.

In retrospect, I guess we did a passable job parenting. That’s right, it is pass/fail. If your kids live and have enough life skills to live on their own and have healthy relationships with other humans, you pass. Grand parenting is considerably easier. You show up to some events. Help out as possible. Set a good example. And finally, at the end of the day, you pass the kids back to their parents and go home, watch reruns, in a peaceful environment. Life makes sense again.

Thank you God.

Keylan’s 17th birthday party called for a picnic. Quite a family, as seen by a very proud son, husband, father and grandfather (I mean me).