Secrets to Marriage: Part 2 Synergy

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            There have been a lot of times since dad’s recent passing that little things reminded me of him and our time together. Whenever I see wild geese or ducks I think about our drives together. He always enjoyed watching them with me. When I walk through the beautiful forested areas around our home, I remember walking with him. He always appreciated my knowledge and interest in nature. The other day I gave the last of his special Vienna salamis to Liz. She recalled eating breakfast with him and Mimi in Oak Lawn, Illinois. Salami and aged Swiss cheese on toasted rye bread was his favorite breakfast.

            I remember mom (Mimi) when I cook something she might have made, or tell a corny joke, at which I know she would have laughed. Crystal and Liz insist that from time to time, they can smell Jim’s (Crystal’s dad) pipe smoke. Crystal works on her crafts every day just like her mom.

I’m certain that, as time goes by, a variety of daily events and occurrences will trigger memories of our parents. Somehow, those memories always take me back to an earlier time. A predominant amount of my childhood memories are good. But my parents were like fire and ice. Some issues were triggers. My discipline was one. Dad was always ready to take off his belt for a swat or two. Mom knew the truth. I was a perfect child who only needed love.

            Other issues, to me, were almost comical. For years I watched, what I call, the thermostat dance. Every time mom walked past it, she would turn up the temperature. Dad would follow shortly after to turn it back down. Sometimes they would almost pass each other in the process. One time dad tried to teach mom how to drive in a forest preserve parking area. I left the car immediately upon arrival, and started walking. I made it about a half mile into the woods and could still hear the screaming/lesson. The next day dad got a private instructor for mom.

            On some levels, growing up, I never understood their relationship. Mom was a fiery and emotional extrovert, while dad was a left brain, logical introvert. What I often missed was how they completed each other. Today’s phycologists might call it codependence. I call it marriage. As we interviewed Crystal’s and my parents, for our memoir, I realized something they had in common. Even when friction was involved, spouses made each other better. I believe they made better decisions because of their differences.

            In science that type of relationship is called synergy. It’s like bees getting their nectar and at the same time pollinating flowers; or sea anemones on the backs of hermit crabs fending off the attacks of predators while having a greater opportunity to feed and grow. Species are helping themselves while at the same time helping others.

            Men and women can be similar. While technically members of the same species, we can be different enough to provide synergy in a relationship. The Bible says the two shall become one in marriage. I believe that must be the focus in a good marriage. Selfishness needs to become less. Two people need to focus on what makes the unit/marriage stronger. Focus should be on mutual benefit. What will make the marriage stronger? A marriage base on quid pro quo alone can’t last. Keeping score doesn’t work. Figure out your common goals and work together using the best abilities of each spouse to achieve them.

            I know it sounds nice and easy, but it is anything, but easy. But if you believe your marriage is worth it, give it every chance. Figure out which of you is the sea anemone and which is the crab (no pun intended). Learn to use each of your strengths to help your partner and put your marriage first.

Crystal’s Corner

            I agree with Ron that learning to work together in marriage makes the marriage better.  It took us awhile to figure out how to do this.  Ron and I are very different.  I am very art oriented and verbal.  Ron is very logical and scientific.  We look at life and problems differently.  What we realized was that my detail oriented way of solving problems could work well with his conceptual way.  He is also very mechanical and talented with taking things apart and putting them back together.  I am better at reading the instructions first and making sure all the parts are there.

            Ron mentioned that his parents did a kind of dance with changing the thermostat.  I believe that couples can learn to dance together well after they understand each other.  This comes with experience and also good communication.  When we were first married, we went to counseling and the counselor explained to me that we weren’t communicating very well.  I was expressing emotion through my words and he didn’t understand what I was talking about.  For example, I would tell Ron I wanted to do an activity and mostly he would either not remember that I said anything or ignore it.  The counselor told me you have to tell him how much you want something or to do something on a scale of 1 to 10.  So after that I could tell him I wanted to go to a quilt show and it was a 9 and he would get it.  This actually stopped a lot of confusion and eliminated arguments.  I also found that just telling him things, especially after he had worked all day, was not always effective, so I learned to write things down in lists or sometimes in a letter.  He can’t always read my handwriting, but my messages got through to him.

            Ron also learned that I sometimes just wanted him to listen when I had a problem.  I didn’t want him to try to solve it or even give me advice.  I believe that women need to talk sometimes just to figure things out.  Once we verbalize the problem, we can move on to the solutions.  When I do want his help, I tell him that.  We both learned that we can share problems and solve them together, by using our varied talents.

            I did learn a lot from being with my parents.  My father was very appreciative of everything that my mom did.  My mom was completely supportive of my father.  They liked each other as well as loved each other.  Ron and I have the same type of relationship.

            Even though we have been together now for more than 41 years, we still show appreciation to each other, in the form of words, and cards and gifts.  When I watch some of the reality shows about dating, I realize that I am very lucky in having a great husband, who is also my best friend.

Today mom and dad are in heaven where I’m sure it’s always the perfect temperature
(Lisa’s H.S. Graduation 2009)
Category: Make Marriage Last

2 comments on “Secrets to Marriage: Part 2 Synergy

  1. So happy for the both of you. Miss you. God bless.

    • Thank You Janine. We miss you too.

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